Well if you have been reading up on my latest news you will already know that on the 4th we were attending a small town parade and they were to have games for the kids.
One of the games was a turtle race.
So guess what we did three nights in a row
We went out burning our almost $4 a gallon gasoline looking for a stinking turtle.
Each night we lucked out.
Each night I watched Baby Girl turn on her sad eyes.
Baby Girl: Well, I guess we are going home empty handed again Momma.
Momma: I know sweetheart, we are trying and we wont give up, we will take all the back roads on the morning of the parade and see if we come locate a turtle.
Momma: Ok sweetheart.
Baby Girl: :(
Well the morning of the parade I take the back roads and man there are too many other drivers on the back roads. Don't these people know we are hunting turtle.
Car after car passes me as Not The Baby and Baby Girl have their heads hanging out the window like puppies in the wind.
Brat Baby is thinking we are really wasting our time.
Then all of a sudden way ahead I see this hump on the other side of the road.
Could it be?
But shoot there is a car on my tail.
I slow down thinking I will make them pass me so I can stop the car if it is a turtle.
Then I think to myself, Oh no what if they pass me and then run over the poor unsuspecting racer.
So I speed up.
So I speed up.
Baby Girl: TURTLE!
Not The Baby: TURTLE
Brat Baby: TURTLE
Momma: Yes! A Turtle, we rock!
I have no choice but to go further down the road so that I can turn around and get on the same side of the road as the turtle since I have speed demons on my tail.
Right away all the kids start yelling, "What are you doing , you just passed the turtle, did you not see it?"
Momma: I know but do you want us to get killed over this turtle. I am going to turn around and go back.
I go down the road, turn around and just as we are headed in the direction of our beloved tortoise a black pickup truck with a country boy in it pulls to the side of the road.
Momma: Wait, what are they doing.
Not The Baby: Hey I think they are getting our turtle.
Brat Baby: Hey tell him that's our turtle.
Baby Girl: (cry, cry, cry)
And sure enough he picks up our turtle.
I drive by slowly.
Country Boy just stares at me like he has beat me to the gold.
I have to turn the car around to get headed in the direction of the small town where the parade and turtle race that we will not have a turtle for is.
We again drive by slowly.
While we are driving by every Baby and Momma in the car is looking at this Country Boy (who I think is getting creeped out by our looks) like he just took the bottle out of our newborns mouth.
Not The Baby & Baby Girl: Now what Momma, No turtle for the turtle race!
Momma: I am not giving up yet we only have about two miles until we hit the small town USA but I have a plan of going down another back road.
This time the back road is more back roadish then the other back road.
I drive a ways and Not The Baby who is scared of a LOT of things is not liking the way that these back roads look to her.
Momma: Just a little ways longer and then I will turn around.
The thought of Baby Girls face at the turtle race without a turtle has me a little scared.
Not The Baby: Where are we?
Not The Baby: Just turn around Momma, I mean really all of this for a turtle.
Momma: OK let me go a little bit further and then I will turn around.
I must admit, I was a little nervous.
All of our efforts were not paying off.
I turn the car around.
As we are headed back to the main road a deer is in the middle of the road and he runs along side the car before he jumps the fence.
I think to myself well, that was worth the drive out to no where land.
I tell the girls to not give up, keep searching!
Then all of a sudden I slam on the brakes, Not The Babies nose hits my seat, Baby Girl has a terrified look on her face and Brat Baby is saying " What the heck are you doing."
Momma: Over there, I saw something on the side of the road.
Momma: Brat Baby go get it!
Brat Baby: How on earth did you see that?
Momma: Mommas have a keen eye sight.
Brat Baby is so sweeet she hops right out to get that turtle for her little sister.
Baby Girl: Momma it is hissing at Brat Baby.
Momma: Hurry Brat Baby just toss it in the box.
I do a little "I found a turtle, I found a turtle, I found a turtle, Hey Hey Hey Hey" dance.
Not The Baby: Oh great! we got a mean turtle.
Momma: Well it may eat it's way to the finish line!
Baby Girl: I don't like mean turtles!
Not The Baby: I'm scared!
Momma: Well I hope it doesn't eat it way out of the box and through the trunk of the car and into the back seat.
Not The Baby: AAAAHHHHHH
Momma: Just jokin
I love doing that to her, and I only do it because she gives everyone else in our house such a hard time, all the time!
Well we meet up with my favorite Aunt P and Uncle R.
I tell them that we were so lucky, we found a turtle , but he is mean.
Uncle R takes one look and our turtle and jumps back.
Uncle R: Oh you got a snapper!
Momma: A snapper?
Uncle R: Yeah, if that things gets ahold of your finger it can bite it off!
I instantly think of Country Boy who stole our sweet little box turtle and here I have to pick up the cousin of Azazel (aka our four month old dog)
Maybe I should take him home for a family reunion!
Oh well, we are going to make the best of it and take this little hisser to the race.
After we get there we are warning every little boy that is wanting to look at our turtle that this is the devil so stay far away or you may not be able to pick your buggers anymore.
At the race we are nice enough to warn the Sweet Gentleman that is getting all of the turtles underneath the bucket ready for the race that he might want to be careful not to get close to our turtles mouth.
He takes one look at our turtle and turns to the lady that is in charge of the race and says:
Sweet Gentlemen: Are snappers legal this year?
Momma: Legal, legal, are you kidding. I had know idea what I was getting when I turned on county bumpkin road. Heck I live in the city. I am not up on the different types of turtles.
I don't even look at Baby Girl, I can feel her getting ready for disappointment.
Momma: It's not Baby Girls fault, let her race. Please.
Then when the lady helping the Sweet Gentlemen does not respond to his concern even after asking her three times he just throws the turtle under the bucket and kind of gives me a dirty look.
While we are waiting for the race to start thoughts start going through my mind.
What if he raises the bucket and our turtle had eaten the heads off of all the innocent box turtles and then comes after all these hot and sweaty toes that are waiting to see a race.
Oh I cant hardly stand it.
Sweet Gentleman lifts the bucket up, there are so many turtles under the bucket that they are stacked up on top of each and he had to push them off.
And while he is doing that our little demon turtle is heading out of the winning circle and about to eat the toes of some little cowboy wearing his cool sandal.
Momma: Watch out for that turtle!!
Momma: Baby Girl we just won the race!!
Momma: Seriously watch out for that turtle!!
They started to give out the winning ribbons and they were forgetting our first place ribbon.
They were about to give it to someone else.
Momma: Excuse me Kind Lady but my Baby Girl won first place.
Kind Lady just ignores me.
Clearly she must be a momma too for she has the ignoring thing mastered.
Momma: I know we won with an evil turtle but please don't take it out on the child, can I have the first place ribbon please!
Kind Lady says to another Kind Lady that is handing out the ribbons "Give her the Ribbon."
They then toss me the ribbon, really they just tossed it to me like we were cheaters or something.
I took it to Baby Girl where we did a victory turtle race dance.
I then gave Not The Baby strict instructions to take the turtle as far away from civilization as she could and dump it.
Right after she let the turtle go a little boy who was riding his bike was watching Not The Baby the whole time she was ditching the turtle and he went after that turtle.
I told my clan to turn around and walk as fast as we can just in case he starts screaming that his finger is being digested into the stomach of the evil tortoise.
I don't want to be held responsible for his injuries.
Momma: Hey, Not The Baby, did you happen to wipe our name off the back of that little devil?