Sunday, July 13, 2008

Is There Something Wrong With Baby Girl?

Well I think that I should just make it a point to never claim to write on the weekend but then again as soon as I do that I will be able to and then no one will read it because they were not expecting it.

Not like you guys are hanging by a thread waiting to read the latest installment of my life!

But I did have some exciting and funny things happen to me on Thursday and Friday.

Thursday Baby Girl had a dentist appointment which I was sick over.

This was to be Baby Girl's first ever filling!

Now I must admit to my fear of the dentist and doctor of any kind, the older I get the more scared I get.

Now I do not let me kids in on my illness as to I never want them to be fearful of anything like that.

When I took Baby Girl to the dentist for a cleaning they discovered a cavity (which I knew she had one as you could see it) they told me that they would rather send her to a pediatric dentist because they did not want her to have a bad first experience at the dentist.

I explained to the dentist that all of my children are tough as nails.

When Baby Girl did a cartwheel and broke her arm when she was three, she never shed a tear.

When Not The Baby got kicked by the biggest horse you have ever seen and he shattered her elbow into eight pieces and she had to have three surgeries and six months of physical therapy.

Never did she shed a tear.

Baby Boy and Brat Baby have both broken bones playing soccer and did not cry.

Oh there was that time that Baby Boy dislocated his elbow while playing soccer, he did shed a couple of tears then.

Anyway you get the point and I convinced the dentist that we should just stay there and let him do the work rather than wait to get into a new dentist and probably pay more money.

We agreed that if Baby Girl showed any discomfort that he would stop doing the procedure and we would take our little discomfort butts to a Baby Girl kind of dentist.

I being the bribing kind of Momma that I like to be, I promised Baby Girl that if she did an excellent job than I would take her to Wally World and let her pick out something for being such a big girl.

Now when I made this deal with her I knew I could probably get away with her being big without me offering a gift.

But still I was a little scared that this may be the time she says the hell with it and throws a big to do!

So we get to the dentist parking lot and I spot someone that I used to work with and I skip right on over and ask her how she was doing.

I knew I would talk a minute so I sent Baby Girl on in to let them know that she was there.

I said my goodbye to my friend and walked in expecting to find my Baby Girl waiting looking a little nervous as she is about to get the drill to her head.

I know this is my fear, not hers.

I don't spot her so I start to walk around the corner when a lady sitting waiting on her turn of torture says, "They already took her back."

Oh, Thank You I say to her and then have a small panic as I turn to the receptionist.

Receptionist: Hi, did you want to go back with her?

Momma: Yes I do!

Now inside of me, I just wanted to stay in the waiting room with a small trash can next to me so that I could vomit all the fear out of me.

The nice lady told me where to go and I walked back to find my Baby Girl.

Oh thank goodness, they haven't started the excavation yet.

They are going to seal Baby Girls teeth first.

OK, good that part will not hurt, the sickness in my gut gets to hold on a little longer.

Nothing better than a long drawn out worry.

The sealing goes really well and really fast, I mean maybe ten minutes.

I say to Baby Girl: Sweetheart are you okay?

Momma: I mean you did great, how was that?

Baby Girl: Oh that was fine, Momma, no big deal.

I think to myself, well that was no big deal but the worst is yet to come.

Then the ladies tell us we are going to have to switch rooms.

Oh no switch rooms, they are probably going to take us to the sound proof room.

You know the one where no one in the waiting room can hear the pain inflicted patients scream for mercy.

Be Strong Momma, be strong for your baby.

Baby Girl sits down in the chair and they have the TV that is hooked to the chair and will swing right up to your face and a kids friendly channel is playing on the tube.

The dental hygienist then hands over the remote to Baby Girl and tells her that she can watch whatever she wants to watch.

Baby Girl of course knowing her television turns the tv to another channel that she sees fit.

The hygienist then gets out the gas mask and turns a few knobs on what I am assuming is the happy gas and walks out of our room.

There we are watching cartoons and waiting.

I being very nervous look at the clock when she walks out of the room that way I know exactly how long she is gone.

Five minutes go by.....I'm still waiting

Ten minutes goes by and we are still waiting...

Then Baby Girl starts to look around the room.

Momma: Baby Girl, what is it?

Baby Girl: I am ready to get this over with Momma.

Momma: I know Baby Girl, I am too.

Then a new face walks into the room, not the doctor.

She is making small talk with Baby Girl.

I am getting sick of small talk, get this wretched show on the road people.

Baby Girl is giving me that I am getting sick of small talk look on her face, get this show on the road look also.

Then the practitioner of pain walked into the room all bubbly and happy like he is about to eat a steak or something.

He hands over the gas mask and he and his helper attached the mask to my Baby Girl like she is about to go deep water scuba diving.

Poor Baby Girl has no idea how to breathe through the mask without still breathing through her mouth.

I explain to Baby Girl how to do this, she is trying way too hard at it, she will take a deep breath in with her nose and then blow out like she is trying to blow out all the candles on her birthday cake.

I again explain to her how to breathe just through her nose.

I think she has the hang of it.

Then all of a sudden another candle is trying to be blown out.

Oh my gosh, what if she does not get enough of this happy gas, what if she feels all the travail.

For Crying out loud Baby Girl breathe through your nose.

Please listen to your Momma, I know what I am talking about here.

Then it starts to happen.

The doctor is laying the chair back and there is no way out of this.

I am scared to death.

Baby Girl however is tapping her feet to the beat of the song that is on TV.

How can she be so calm at a time so terrifying.

The doctor is talking rather loud to Baby Girl, trying to get her attention off of what is about to happen to her.

He tells her he is going to look at the tooth one more time before he starts working on her.

He looks and then tells her that he is going to numb her gums so that she will not feel any pain.

He does and then all of a sudden he pulls out this oversize syringe.

And he is hiding it so that Baby Girl can not see it.

Oh my good Lord I can't believe the size of that thing, I mean I didn't even know they still made them in steel.

The last time I saw one of those things was in a horror movie that I had to keep my hands over my eyes and only watch through the cracks of my fingers.

Oh No my poor Baby Girl had no idea of the amount of pain that is about to be inflicted upon her sweet little body.

He shoots her in the gum with the needle from hell.

That's funny, Baby Girl did not react.

Then he injects more pain into the other side of her gums.

This time she squeezes the remote in her hand.

Oh no, she must be in real pain.

I don't know if I can watch all of this.

What shall I do, I cant leave my baby back here all alone.

Oh stop it I tell myself, grow up, I mean really look at your daughter she is doing so well and you are over here having a mind war about your fearfulness of doctors.

He tells Baby Girl that he is going to get started on fixing her tooth and that is won't take him very long at all and she will be as good as new.

As the doctor is working on Baby Girl he is explaining the steps that he is taking and speaking to his helper about the things that she needs to pass to him.

I am watching every move that the doctor is making.

Then all of a sudden the volume on the TV starts to rise.

Still I am staying focused.

Then the volume is rising even more.

Baby Girl was not able to see the TV at this point as she is laying flat on her back and has four hands in her mouth but by golly she is not going to miss this show of hers.

She try's to move the happy gas mask.

The doctor tell her she will not be able to see the TV at this point of the procedure.

Oh how embarrassing, he is going to think that all this girl does is watch TV at home, I mean really she cant even take her eyes off of it long enough to have her cavity filled.

Then it happens again, somehow the volume on the TV goes up.

Baby Girl is not interested in what the dentist has to say to her about the work she is having done, she is only worried about being able to hear that damn show.

The whole time she is turning up the tube, I am watching to see if the doctor reacts to her doing that.

I am wondering if the television may not distract him from what he is supposed to be doing.

Should I tell Baby Girl to leave the TV alone?

No then she might take her mind back to what they are doing in her mouth.

Then it happens, the doctor looks at the TV and then chuckles.

Oh Thank goodness he chuckles, that was a little embarrassing Baby Girl.

I kind of loosen up a little bit.

The doctor goes back to working in Baby Girls mouth.

I am sitting on the edge of my chair watching still like the mother lion that I am that this guy is doing a good job.

Like I would even know if he wasn't????????

Then Baby Girls arm starts to rise.

Oh my what is she doing.

Then her other arm starts to rise.

What the???

Then Baby Girl starts clapping her hands, while stile grasping the remote.

What the heck is going on here?

Still she is clapping.

I look to the doctor.

I look to the assistant.

I look to the happy gas tank.

I look back to Baby Girl.

Thankfully the clapping stops.

Did I just dream that she was clapping her hands?

I mean no one else reacted to her spontaneously clapping.

I bend down to stretch out my neck and Take A Deep Breath.

I look back to Baby Girl and Oh my God she is giving me the thumbs up.

What the hell is going on here people, I think my Baby Girl is HIGH on happy gas.

Oh my is this what she will look like when she is 21 and drunk off her butt. (please say she will be an exception and never get drunk)

Please someone stop the Momma Torture Train.

She is still giving me the thumbs up.

She wont stop!

Oh this is starting to get embarrassing.

Are they over dosing her for heavens sake, someone help her.

Then like a strike of lighting the dentist claims he is done.

Baby Girls thumb rests to her side and they take the gas mask off her.

Thank goodness get that make you crazy mask off my baby.

Breathe the air baby, breathe the clean oxygen and breathe it deep.

I am beside my self by this point.

We get in the car, start to buckle, I ask her how she felt and she claims she is fine.

Oh I guess you are,I mean they had you gassed like a drunken sailor.

Baby Girl: What did you say Momma?

Momma: Oh nothing sweetheart.



Momma: Hey Baby Girl, why were you giving the thumbs up back there at the dentist?

Baby Girl: To let you know that I was just fine Momma!

Baby Girl: Why Momma?

Momma: Oh honey no reason, that was really sweet of you to let me know you were fine.

Oh my gosh, where is my mind.

Here I thought I was witnessing a reenactment of Woodstock.

I need to Breathe a little more often!


Heather said...

OH. MY. GOSH. I should trade happy gas stories with her -- I'm not sure I like that stuff. I prefer Amaretto Sours, but they won't let you take those into the dentists with you!! :)

Anonymous said...

lol that is too funny. I, too, HATE dentist! What dentist did you take her to?


Trauma Karl said...

That was flippin' hilarious!! I rarely get to laugh out loud at stuff I read, it's great. Still, I can't get over the diabolical laughter to the fact your dog loses his manhood.

kerry said...

oh my. i suppose those things are always more traumatic for us than for our kids. glad she made it through ok. :)

Heidi said...

I have not laughed this hard in a long time!!! What a great kid you have - I would have been peeing my pants because I HATE THE DENTIST!!! I would rather have a baby with the help of Pitocin, Satan in a bottle - than to have work done on my teeth. What a good dentist you must have - kids are kids an tv is in thier blood I say!! LOL GOod Job Baby girl!

I can't keep my mouth shut any longer! said...

Where are you????

I still want to know how you guys almost died!