Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Most Embarrassing Moments Part 1

Where ever shall I start with this blog.

I am sure that a lot of you have embarrassing moments that people like to raz you about.

I however feel like my family really likes giving me a hard time more so than most peoples family.

Every time we get together with family they tell the same damn stories over and over like we haven't heard it before.

So over time I am going to publish these embarrassing moments and get them out there in the world and let them GO!

Which means family and friends that they will not need to be discussed any longer after they are published.

So Here goes Momma's Moment #1:

The year was 1994.

The season was summer.

The gas was cheap.

Our family of 5 at the time lived in a rent house on the east side of town with a little stream running behind it.

It was nice other than the fact that the carpets were so dirty your socks turned black if you forgot to keep your shoes on and accidentally walked on the carpet.

It was nice other than the fact that they made the garage into a huge living room and did not insulate it.

But hey we did what we had to do and we made the best of it, like we always do.

Baby Boy was in Kindergarten and Brat Baby was a toddler walking around lookin Oh so cute and Not The Baby, well ,she was actually a baby then and a fat one at that.

I so loved the outdoors that I wanted to bring a little of it inside.

So I bought the kids a bird.

It was sweet.

It did however make a mess.

That bird would throw it seeds everywhere and I was constantly cleaning the cage.

Maybe the bird was not the best idea in the world.

But hey I am not one who likes to be proven wrong so I made the best of the situation and I cleaned the bird cage everyday without complaining.

Papa of course did not want a bird or any animals for that matter, so I could not let on that the bird was a bad idea.

Well I was getting tuckered out cleaning that bird cage every single day.

Since I vacuum everyday I thought to myself I will save some time and I will just use the hose on the vacuum to suck up all those leftover bird seed shells that the little clipped wing wonder was throwing all of his cage and my carpet.

First I start outside of the cage and it kind of freaks the bird out.

I tell the bird to get over it, and unless it is going to clean up its own mess then deal with it.

Yes, I talk to animals wish I could make Dr. Doolittle money doing it.

I try to suck up the seeds that are on the bottom of the bird cage from outside of the bird cage but I can't reach it all.

So I gently raise the door on the cage. I am worried that the bird will try to fly out of the cage but it just ran to the corner of the cage and stared at me, I could swear I could see its little heart beating right through its chest.

"Almost done little Polly!" I tell it.

Then just as I am about to turn off the vacuum the darn bird goes toward the hose.

No man don't go into the darkness..........go to the light!

That's right , yes its what your thinking.


Well wouldn't you know Baby Boy was watching me this whole time rather than playing with his Pokemon cards.

Baby Boy: OH MOMMA! What have you done Momma? Where is the bird Momma? Why would you do that Momma?

Momma: What? What? What? I , I , I don't know why. I mean why would that stupid bird go towards the vacuum.

Baby Boy: Momma is he dead?

Momma: I don't know honey!

Momma: I don't know what to do.

Momma: I don't know if I can remember how to do CPR.

Momma: Go call your Papa!

Momma: No wait! Don't call Papa! As a matter of fact don't call anyone.

Baby Boy:Oh my Oh my where is my little Polly.

Baby Boy is now talking to the vacuum.

Baby Boy: Polly, Polly are you in there? Momma didn't mean to suck you up. Hold on Polly we will get you out of there!

Momma: Oh right, get Polly out.

Why did I not think of that.

I don't always think when trauma is happening to me.

Momma: OK Baby Boy we are going to take the vacuum bag out of the vacuum and take it outside near the trash can and open it up.

I gently remove the bag.

I feel no movement.

I hear nothing.

Though I am sure that Polly's lungs are filled with dirt and he is unable to breathe.

Oh my gosh I have killed my child's Polly all because I wanted to save a few steps in cleaning. How will he ever forgive me. I have scared him for life.

I'm not worthy.. I'm not worthy

So by this time I have another spectator that has joined us.

Brat Baby is asking Baby Boy what is going on.

Baby Boy responds:

Sister I think momma has just murdered our bird.

Brat Baby: Is Momma going to go to jail?

Baby Boy: I don't know sissy but if she does I will take care of you.

Momma: What jail? No Momma is not going anywhere. It was an accident, they will let me off I am sure of it.

Momma: OK kiddos maybe you should look away while I open this bag just in case the scene is too gruesome for you to witness.

I cut the bag open.

Oh crap I should not have used scissors, Polly could have been alive and I might of just cut its head off.

I open the bag up a little.

Still no movement.

Still no sound.

Then like any caged bird would react. The bird flew out of the dirty vacuum bag coughing as he flew.

Polly was never heard of or seen again.

Now of course the kids were sad that they lost their bird but can you imagine the joy in their hearts to know that their Momma was not a murderer. I was going to get to continue to raise my children without bars between us.

I sit down and talked to the kids about everything that happened.

I apologized for doing something so stupid.

I told them everyone makes mistakes, even Momma.

I also told them that I was very upset about the whole thing and it would be a good idea not to tell anyone about it . Otherwise if they told people than it would make me upset to think about it and I would probably start crying.

The kids did good.

They didn't tell Everyone they saw.

Well that was until Baby Boy was sitting in church that Sunday and when the preacher asked anyone if they had any prayer request.

Baby Boy raised his little 5 year old arm and asked for every ones prayers for his bird that his Momma had sucked up in the vacuum.

I think that church had to be cancelled do to everyone peeing theirs pants out of laughter.

That's Moment #1


Anonymous said...

are you sure we aren't related? My family tells the same damn stories over and over again also!!! And ALL of them are about ME!!

too funny. I see all children involved are not scared for life.


Anonymous said...

Oh and have you looked on the road at the end of Virginia? If you just keep going straight past 9th street, the road gets curvy, there were a TON of turtles out there around the end of school. But if I see any out here I will have the kids pick it up for you.


Take a Deep Breath said...

Yes we drove all over there and anywhere that was country last night.
We have to go shopping for food today so we will take as many back roads as possible.
Thanks for keeping your eye open.

I can't keep my mouth shut any longer! said...

Oh Lord. I have so many tears in my eyes I can barely type. That is supremo fantabulously funny stuff.

Too bad He Who Puts Up With My Crap just walked out the door or he would have had a great day just knowing about that story! No wonder you cringe everytime I mention birds inside. Now I know the horror behind it all. I'll try to be nice.

Oh who am I kidding. This is new and fresh to my mind so all bets are off.

Heather said...

That's just too funny!!