Monday, June 30, 2008

Here's To You Chief Silver Fox

Chief Silver Fox

OK so I was supposed to do this several days ago for my dear sister.

But since I chose to go to Kidsfest instead sister had to wait a few days.

Here we are with my late Grandmother and my cousin Greg. I am the cute one standing.

Our mom made those dresses don't you know.

Here is Chief Silver Fox getting her candy fix. I think I borrowed some of her candy, since I liked to save mine until it got rock hard and you had to throw it away. I would do the same thing at Christmas with my fruit I would get in my stocking. The oranges would rot before I would eat them.

Ok I am sorry for what I am about to say but we all look like we have been smoking some happy grass here.

Mom has this whole bleach out bar do and I look part boy and where and the hell is that arrow pointing to???

Mom why would you let me wear that?

Little Orphan Annie there is lookin way too happy about that sucker she has!

Now lets look at this one!

Chief Silver Fox can be seen looking oh so cute and lovely with our cat angel while Benji and I are almost cut out of the photo.....common photo taking mistake???

I don't think so!

So since you are momma's sweet baby girl I had to throw this one in there. Is this the face you made when you found your little tribe trying to drown the cat in the washer?

Sorry about the previous picture, here is one to make up for that one. Look at her isn't she cute, you would never know that this little red headed sweet heart could grow up and be such a pain in the rear.

I hope that you had the best birthday ever sis and I am so sorry for telling you as a child that the nurses at the hospital said you were the ugliest baby they had ever seen and that they could not let me go because I was so cute.

Forgive me for feeding you lines of crap like, "you were adopted and we tried to take you back but they did not want you back."

I was young and dumb and hey what can I say, I was dumb.

I should not have told you the truth like that I should have just kept it to myself!


You are beautiful and I love you.

Love me,


Ok So Her Birthday Came And Went!

Do you know one of those people that have really good intentions but never seem to go through with all of them?

Well that is me in a nut shell, and my sister for that matter.

Yesterday morning I went looking for pictures of my sister to post and I found some but then the kids started waking up and I felt bad about working on my blog rather than getting things done so that we could head out to the local kids fest.

So the pictures just sat on my counter and I looked at them every time I would walk by them.

But me being Momma first, I left them and then wouldn't you know the day was over and I am not a night person, not to mention even if I was Brat Baby is not and the computer is in her room so I am not allowed to keep her awake by tapping at the computer, so I did not get anything done.

I did however see a man shoe a horse, eat a Buffalo burger and listen to Papa and Brat Baby bitch about the fact that we could come back another day to the wonderful outdoor beauty that we were at when it was not kids fest.

I tried really hard to breathe when they were doing their usual bitching but I LOST it.

Why can we not just have family time without someone BITCHING!

Then guess what I looked like the crazy one.

Yesterday was an unusually cool and pretty day, why can we not just sit and breathe the cool air while Baby Girl rides those stinky horses around and around in a circle for three hours, I mean really people what is the harm in that. Go buy yourself another foot long corn dog and SHUT UP!

Every time we go to something like this and the older girls led by the Papa Whining Choir start in, I think to myself, I am never bringing them again and then I tell myself, No we are going to do things as a family by golly even if it kills me!!!

How on earth would this family ever be if it we not for me.

I am the glue!

I am the rock!

I am the spark plug!

I am the gas !(be quiet, I know I have gas)

I am yeast that makes us rise!

I am the one that everyone likes to pick on when I want us to do something together!

Thankfully right now I have Baby Girl who is my little mini me.

At least she is making me think she is, who knows she may hate everything that I love and she just feels sorry for me because everyone else makes fun of my idea of fun.

I don't care if she is just making it all of up for my benefit, I will take her pity and swim it!

I think I hear Baby Girl, I better go get on my swimsuit.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Happy Birthday Sis!

Today's post will be all about my sister as today is her birthday. But me being a little behind since Not The Baby just came home yesterday and we were soooooo busy I will write my post this evening as I gather the most embarrassing pictures I can find of my sis.

Oh did I say that, No what I meant to say is I am going to honor her today and find some really sweet pictures of her to show all of you.

I will communicate later my dear friends.......Have a great day today, the sun is actually shining!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Just How Influential Is Television?

Well Just in case someone does not know the answer to this question, Baby Girl demonstrated to me the impact that TV has on her.

This morning I am driving down the road with Miss S., Baby Girl and Brat Baby and we are on our way to a garage sale (imagine that).

I am explaining to Miss S. that something is killing my bushes in the front yard and that I went to the local Super Drive Me Crazy Center to get some pesticide to take out these unknown little jerks that are trying to ruin my hard work. I have tried to make our little shack that we call home and eye appealing structure.

I go on to tell Miss S. that I could not believe how expensive that little bottle of pesticide was.

Baby Girl chimes in from the back seat:

Baby Girl: Momma, they lie!

Momma: Sweetheart what are you talking about? Who lied?

Baby Girl: You know that place where you hate to shop that you said the people disguise their selves in shirts that have no name of the store on it, that way they can ignore you when you have a question because you don't really know if they work there or they are just shopping there.

Momma: Oh, you mean the Sorry We Don't Know When We Will Ever Get Anything In That You Are Asking For Super center.

Baby Girl: Yes that one!

Momma: Well what did they lie about honey?

Baby Girl: Well you said that the bug spray was too high.

Baby Girl: They Lie!

Baby Girl: They say "Save Money, Live Better."

At that point I am ready to pull the car over and hug her and Oh I don't know, take on the world with her by my side.

Baby Girl: How can we live better if we are spending all our money there.

She has a point!

The other day when I was out Baby Girl called me to tell me something very important.

Here is how that conversation went:



Momma: Hello?

Baby Girl: Oh Hello Momma!

Momma: Hi Sweetheart, what do you need?

Let me just tell you that this was about the 20th time she had phoned me in the last thirty minutes.

Baby Girl: Momma did you know there is this place where they will give you a yellow envelope for you to put your gold jewelry in and you mail it to them and they will send you money??

Momma: Really?

Momma: Do you believe that?

Baby Girl: Yes Momma I do. There was this lady on there that said she had no idea that her jewelry was worth so much money.

Momma: Wow!

Baby Girl: We should do that Momma!

Momma: OK sweetheart right after I call the local cable company and cancel our cable.

But then I thought of something. If kids believe most everything they see on TV or on the Internet then we as parents should have our own cable channel and tell them good things like:

If you don't eat your vegetables little aliens will come and take you away.


If you back talk your Momma than your tongue will eventually start to rot and fall out.

or how about:

If you get any wild ideas of any kind, something really bad is going to happen to you like ..........Oh like..........I know Internet will just disappear and never return.

That is when you shut off the cable!

Wait a minute.......How would I ever blog if I didn't have the Internet!

This would definitely be one of those punishments when you tell your child, "This hurts Momma more than it is going to hurt you." and it would true.

I need a better plan.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Hook, Line, and Almost A Sinker

Christopher Columbus (I mean Baby Boy) called me yesterday to tell me that he is thinking of switching summer carers.

First of all I am thinking to myself, Oh please don't let go of your job that you have now. It took you almost a year to get and hold down a job outside of his soccer training.

Which he is really good at but he needed something else that was a constant flow of money. That way I don't have to give him money for every little thing he needs.

First he was telling me how his buddy that he is staying with is selling Kirby Vacuum's. He said no one is going to buy those they cost over $2000.

Well, OK maybe he's getting it.

Then he tells me that He and his buddy are thinking about selling Avon!

"Avon" I say.

"Who the Hell are you going to sell Avon to?"

"I mean can you see two college boys selling Avon door to door telling the lady of the house about the new line of longer lasting lipstick that is now out."

I probably wouldn't even answer my door.

So when I address all of these concerns to Baby Boy he says: "The lady told us that we would get to keep 50% of the profit and that some of her top sellers are men."

I then go on to tell him that she is a salesman also and she is trying to get him to sell so she can make some money off of these two innocent college kids.

I also told him that a good salesperson will try to make you think that you could sell bags of crap to people and make money.

Momma: Baby Boy please tell me that you have not quit your job.

Baby Boy: Oh no, not yet.

I tried to be careful in what I said to him, otherwise he may not tell me about anymore of his grand ideas in life.

I hope that I have him talked out of selling Avon, vacuums, encyclopedias, ladies undergarments, etc.

I do love my Baby Boy, I mean how can you not love a boy who thinks that he could sell Avon.

Just in case he doesn't listen to me, anyone need any Skin So Soft?

I Hope I Remember This When I am Gray

On Sunday a church near our house was having a neighborhood party for all the kids. It was full of those great big inflatable toys (I really wish we had those when I was a kid) and there was plenty of junk food to be had.

So of course Baby Girl wanted to go, and me being the Momma that has a hard time saying no, we went.

Even though I don't care for the faith of that church, not because I think they are weird or mean or anything like that. This faith is just known for being a little pushy.

So I of course thought that if we went in numbers we would be a little stronger to hold back the congregation if they try to save either of us while we are eating our free hot dog.

I phoned Picture Momma and begged her to bring her babinos to this little carnival over at the Save Everyone Church.

OK, I apologize that sounded a little sarcastic.

When we get there everyone is really nice (that is not always a good sign) and we have a great time.

I gathered while there that this was the kick off to their vacation bible school. So of course Baby Girl wants to go to it, she has several friends that are going and hey I do want her to learn about God.

Now I am not an atheist or anything like that, I believe in God and try to live my life the way that I think God would want me to. (most of the time)

I didn't want anyone to get confused since I am the care taker of a demonic four legged beast.
(my dog)

I just worry about this church maybe being a little over bearing for my Baby Girl.

So last night was the first night of this Vacation Bible School and the minute she walks in the door after returning from the church I am in her face.

Momma: "Hi Baby Girl, how was it?"

Baby Girl: Oh it was fun Momma.

Momma: really?

Baby Girl: Yes, and you know what Momma?

Momma: What Honey?

Baby Girl: I can get Bap ta tized there!

Momma: Really (I knew it!)

Baby Girl: Yea, they have this pool of water and you get put in the water.

Momma: Reeeally!

Momma: Well what does that mean Baby Girl to get Baptized?

Baby Girl: Well that means you are letting Jesus in your heart.

Well I am glad she understood and picked up that part of the sermon.

Then Baby Girl goes on to explain the process of Baptizing:

Baby Girl: You see Momma you go back behind this wall where there is a lot of water, you get in the water and they hold you under for 4 minutes!

Momma: WHAT.......really Baby Girl, how long do they hold you under?

Baby Girl: Four minutes!

I cant help myself I tell Baby Girl to go and tell Papa all about it, he then looks at me with a look of should I be laughing or should we be concerned.

Just then Baby Girl starts walking down the hall striping off her clothes.

I inquire.

Momma: Baby Girl, what are you doing?

Baby Girl: I am getting in the tub, I need to start practicing holding my breath for four minutes!

Man I wish I had a record button in my brain so that when all of my kids are grown up and are busy with their own lives I could just sit down and replay all these things that they do and say that make me laugh and keep wanting to see a new sun every morning.

But with my memory, I will need to just blog about it, that way I can go back and read it all over again.

I hope something wonderful and funny happens to you today!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I've Lost A Child

Remember when I told you that Not The Baby was going away for a week to camp.

Well that day is here.

Yesterday her sisters and I loaded her bags in the car and drove to her to the designated meeting spot.

The day started out all gloomy and rainy.

The day started out the way that we all felt in the house.

Not The Baby woke up and came straight to me with this look on her face like, this is the last time I will get to look at your face for a while.

Then when I looked at her with that look like this is the last time that I will get to look at her face for a while, we both started crying.

Then our crying turned into bawling and then we laughed at our selves for acting like a bunch of babies.

So then we cried some more.

Remember, I am on the verge of needing medication here people.

I have an illness.

I love my kids too much if that is possible.
(No, I don't think it is possible.)

So we decided to have a good breakfast before she left and where else should we go but to our local tiny cafe (aka 101 question cafe).

I must admit I was a little worried about seeing the sweet slightly on the scary side old man there.
I thought to myself that the mental state that I am in right now with having to send off one of my very own offspring that I carried around inside of me for nine months and then have cared for and raised with the up most love and devotion is leaving me for a whole week and if I have to spend my morning listening to him ask us a million questions rather than talk to her on our last breakfast together, I might just lose it!

I might just come out and and tell him that I am the keeper of Azazel and see what happens.
(the dog, remember.)

I mean who would want to talk to me after that.

Oh, shoot I forgot, I do live in the Bible Belt, of course they would want to save me and my babies.

OK, well I would need a better plan.

But here is the good news, Jabber Jaws was out in the ocean some where feeding on other fish.

So breakfast went on without a hitch.

After breakfast we came home and played a game of Bunco (wow is that game fun, you must play if you have not before. I like it so much that we are going to have a Bunco party, any takers??) then it was time to load up.

On my way out the door I grabbed my camera and right away Not The Baby said "Please tell me you are going to take pictures here at the house and not when we get to the bus!"

Momma: "Are you kidding, of course I am going to take pictures of you when we get to the bus. I want those pictures of tears rolling down you face that way when you get older and try to pull something like Baby Boy did and play Christopher Columbus on me, I am going to pull out this photo that I take of you and show you that there was a day when it was torture to leave your Momma, your caretaker, your keeper, your guardian, your mother lion that keeps you safe from all harm including the little tramps that was calling you names as you walk our little satin dog just because you are so cute and they are jealous. (I kind of lost it when I heard about that but, that is another story that I will have to get the nerve up to tell people, more like admit to people.)"

Not The Baby knows that fighting with me over taking a picture is a round she won't win.

So she gave up.

As we were driving her to the bus, I had this pit in my stomach. It reminded me of the same pit that I would have when my mother would drive us as kids back to my fathers house when they divorced. Oh how I hate that feeling.

Of course some of the people that were to ride the bus were late getting there so the ill anticipation that I had was drug out longer than need be.

Brat Baby was not very willing to sit there, she wanted to just leave.

Brat Baby: "Come on Momma, I mean look all the other sponsors are here, she is just sitting on the bus waiting."

Momma: "I am not leaving this parking lot until she pulls out!"

Brat Baby:" The other parents are leaving."

Momma:" I don't care what the other parents are doing I am staying, I mean if the other parents jumped off a bridge should I?"

Momma: "No, because I am me and I will do what I think is right regardless of what my peers are doing!"

Who knew a life lesson for my teenage drama queen would happen in that parking lot.

Momma: "and while we are on the subject, never do drugs, cheat, steal, have pre-marital sex, smoke, drink, lie, jaywalk, fart in public, etc."

Brat Baby: "Oh way to go Momma, you have farted in public more times than I have fingers."

Momma: "Do as I say child, not as I do!"

While Brat Baby and I are having our little talk, Baby Girl is continuing to wave to Not The Baby even though the bus is not and has not moved an inch. Not The Baby is looking a little embarrassed, no maybe that look means she is proud of her family, yes that is it. PRIDE!

Oh my, I have passed my illness off to my prodigy. Baby Girl will not stop waving!

Well it wasn't long before everyone arrived and it was time for the bus to pull out.

As soon as the bus started moving I headed quickly (like garage sale speed) to my car and followed the bus out of the parking lot. Baby Girl is in the back seat still waving, I am blowing kisses to Not The Baby and Brat Baby has this look on her face that reads, "Get the Hell Out of Here before you people embarrass me anymore than you already have."

The bus turns right out of the parking lot.

Our home is a left turn out of the parking lot.

What's this, the car is wanting to go right, Oh my gosh I don't know if I have the strength to make it go home without Not The Baby.

I brake, think for a moment, maybe a little longer than a moment since there are people behind me honking.

I Take A Deep Breath.

And I watch the bus drive out of my rear view mirror sight.

I miss my Not The Baby already!

Monday, June 23, 2008

I Almost Hurt Someone!!

You know how I was telling you about Not The Babies obsession with self photography.....well,
I have an obsession too!

OK there, I said it!

So lets get on with more important things like.......umm......The weather, man has it been hot!

What about those gas prices!

And did I tell you how nice you look today. goes......

I have a obsession with buy things second hand at a ridiculously cheap price.

Specifically GARAGE SALES.

There are those out there that call me The Garage Sale Queen and I wear my crown with Pride.

That is until this last Saturday when I almost killed someone that I love dearly.

Here is how that day went:

Every weekend you will find me out burning rubber to get to every garage sale I can as quick as I can.
Normally I drive and I usually have a friend with me, we shall call her Picture Momma.
Also along for the treasure hunt is my dear friend and neighbor Miss S. and then of course I will have my girls with me. This Saturday however Brat Baby was the only baby with me as the others chose to sleep past 6 am.

I am a time stickler when it comes to garage sales.

We leave on time!

We look quick and get to the next sale!

Everyone unbuckles as soon as the sale is within eye sight as to maximize time!

Everyone walk at a speed walker pace as to beat the competitor to the event!

And never. I mean never socialize as that is time wasted!
(I do however break that rule on occasion.)

I map out exactly where every sale is and its specific location on the street as to maximize time!

See it is a time thing, in order to get the deals you have to be first to the game, the game of second hand shopping.

Now if you think I don't get heckled about that, you are kidding yourself.

This specific Saturday Picture Momma said we could drive her mini-van instead of my small car.

I was excited about the fact that I could purchase more with the amount of space that the mini van has to offer so I took her up on that.

The only thing she required was this:

Picture Momma: Momma you have to drive my van.

Momma: Are you sure?

Momma: Why don't you drive?

Picture Momma: Because I do not want to be held responsible for not going fast enough in your eyes to each garage sale.

Momma: Well if you insist.

If you insist, are you kidding!

Thank you Lord that she wants me to drive because if I am not the driver to the garage sale locations I feel like I am about to have a heart attack. The person I may be riding with is going to slow or maybe they are stopping somewhere that is not on my list for goodness sake and maybe they buckle before they put the car in gear.

See I believe to maximize time you should buckle after the car is already in drive!

I have mastered that!

So we are doing well locating and conquering garage sale after garage sale.

While we are doing this Brat Baby is complaining.

Brat Baby: Momma you are driving way too fast. Momma slow down when you turn.

Momma: Brat Baby, I know what I am doing!

Brat Baby: Picture Momma, why did you let her drive your car? Can't you see she is maniac!

At this moment I do a quick U turn. Man the car did good for being a mini van, now my little car could have cut it a little closer but that will do.

Picture Momma: Momma are you aware that U turns are not legal anywhere in our state.

Momma: Really, well that is why I always look to see if a police officer is around before I do it.

In the mean time I am hearing moaning sounds from the back seat where my friend Miss S. is.
Apparently there is nothing for her to hold onto back there when I take the corners and she thinks she may be falling out of the seat.

OK here is something that I did not tell you about Miss S.

She is elderly, but hey she is not that old. (Miss S I would never call you old, I love you, plus I never want some young punk ever calling me old.) Miss S. also has bad knees, she had surgery on both of them.

So Brat Baby is yelling at me to slow down and I think I hear Picture Momma say a prayer beneath her breath, hey now that I think about it maybe that is why they all locked hands and had their heads bowed.

Any way here is what happened that opened my eyes and scared my heart.

I was leaving a garage sale and I felt the presence of all the passengers, I normally don't look to see if everyone is in I just feel that they are in the car. I had it in gear and was getting ready to reach for the seat belt just as I start to apply pressure on the gas petal when all of a sudden Brat Baby screams!

Brat Baby: Mommaaaaaaaaaa

Picture Momma: Mommaaaaaaaa

Miss S: Ahhhhhhhhhhh

Momma: What now!

Brat Baby & Picture Momma: Miss S. is not all the way in the van!

Let's pause shall we..........Oh and here is where I chose to Take A Deep Breath.

I tried to drive away with my dear friend Miss S. hanging out the side of the van and for what a new Bunco game or a new light fixture (which by the way is rockin in my house right now, Papa painted it black and man does it ........Oh crap listen to me I am back on the garage sales).

Like I way saying I almost hurt someone I love and for that I am truly sorry.

Now can you imagine the looks I was getting from Brat Baby.
I think she was trying to send mean teenage laser beams right through the back of my skull, because after that all happened the back of my head was getting hot.

I truly learned a lesson from this and I will be a changed Momma forever.

I am now going to give my passengers two seconds to sound off on role call after entering the vehicle!

I love you Miss S!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Self Portrait Obsession

Today as I was driving home from out local super warehouse, you know the one that is suppose to have everything. That is until you find you like something they sell and then I think they have spy's that find out what people likes and then the dictator of the company say "Ah, the people like that, well then take it away. Then you can never find that favorite thing again, much less someone who works there to ask where it went to.

Sorry I totally got off on that.

Well like I was saying, I was driving home from walk a mile to get your milk warehouse, when NOT THE BABY says to her friend No Sugar For ME Girl that they have to upload pictures when they get back to Not the Babies house.

This is an obsession of theirs.

Every time that Not The Baby and No Sugar For ME Girl gets to together, they photograph their selves non stop. They then take it to some place called My Space and post it???????

What the heck is My Space?

Is it a web site that you can learn how many moons are on the planet Pluto?
(There are four!)

No, I know, it is a site that teaches people like sweet, little on the scary side old men how to not get into your personal space.

Oh don't worry I am not that old that I don't know all about My Space.

It is a site to keep parents on their toes and something else for us to worry about!

My Space sucks!

Here is the obsession part:

Not The Baby takes pictures of herself everyday.

At First I thought it was kind of cute.

Then I thought, "well we are a little full of ourselves are we not."


Not sure what to think of all this portrait taking going on.

The crazy slightly jealous part is , the little toot looks good every time she looks into a camera.

Are you sure she's my child, every time I look into a camera I am having to buy the person taking the picture a new lens.

Anyways try it some time, take a picture of yourself. I did and it is not easy.
Then if you ever want lessons, Not The Baby will give you lessons only for the cost of printing out some of her 3000 pictures that are taking up space on my computer.

Good night and sleep well for tomorrow we visit the sun early for all the treasures that lerk amongst our city.

Not The Baby and her friend No Sugar For Me Girl and There is Baby Girl

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Sound Off

Well family try to contain your "Oh I knew it was only a matter of time attitude."

See those that know me, know that I can be a very passionate person at times.

When I fell strongly about something, I can hardly contain myself.

Too bad I didn't go to a big university so that I could join a club like the tree huggers and end up with a criminal record.

If was going to have a criminal record than that would be the kind I would want to have, not saying that I want one. I'm just saying.

So here goes:

Yesterday when I was out and about I was heading down this road and coming at me was a funeral precession. I right away slammed on my brakes, I guess I should have looked behind me first!

Don't worry, he missed me but he was probably cussing at me. (Oh well it wouldn't be the first and it sure wont be the last time soemone cusses at me.)

The reason I came to such a quick stop was because of something that happened to me.

Last month my Grandfather past away and I was driving to graveside services, which by the way was not very far from the church. As I am driving with my lights on hardly anyone is pulling over.

Oh my! I think to myself. Are my lights not bright enough for these people to see.
So I turn on the brights.

Still few people are pulling over.

My first thought is: Is there some new law past that I am not aware of that says "Thou should never pull over for funeral processions."

Surely not!

Then I think, maybe all those people are on there way to an emergency and they have no choice but to keep going.

Yeah right!

Maybe they don't have a clue as to what that big long black limousine in the front of the line is and not to mention the one behind it.

Or I know maybe they are all just products of our new world.

Our world of lack of respect for the living much less the dead!

Our lack of morals and kindness.

Now dont get me wrong I am not perfect and I make mistakes just like everyone else, but I make a concious effort to do right and live right.

When I saw those people not respecting the family of the deceased it made me sad.

It made me think, what will people be like when our children are old and gray and their day comes to meet the Lord.

Will people have enough respect for my babies to pull over as their procession goes down the road.

I know my friends that are reading this blog are kind and caring people that always show respect, but lets make sure some of our kindness and respect rubs off on someone today and everyday for that matter.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

"So What I Have Issues!"

This is a hard post to write but when it happened to me I thought to myself "I have to blog about this."

For those of you who know me well, I have issues about my children being away from me.

Now before you go all creepy on me, I want you to know that all of my four children are Very Independent.

I was a stay at home mom most of my children's life. When summer would come around people would say things like: "Oh I bet you can't wait for school to start again"

My response would be : " No, I can wait, I love my kids, my kids are good kids, they make me happy, I would home school my kids if I were smarter, hell I would move on a deserted island with my kids.........I mean do I look like I am unhappy here man, I mean really.

So I might have scared a few people off.

But case in point, I really enjoy my children. So much that I dare them to get in trouble just so I can ground them and spend more time with them.

So yesterday Not the Baby left to go stay the night with a friend. The other two girls and I were sitting around staring at the walls and each other when Baby Girl says "I miss Not The Baby already."

Momma: "I know I miss her too. Oh my what is it going to be like when she goes to camp (Not The Baby is going on a week long camp next week) and we cant even talk to her for a whole week. (Oh my my heart is racing, I feel short of breath, and my eyes are beginning to leak)

Baby Girl: "A whole week!"

Momma: "I know lets call her."

Here is where I have to admit to my issues.

Not The Baby had only been gone for about two hours, I was not kidding when I told you I have issues.

So I dial her friends number, I am really hoping that her friends mom does not answer because I am not sure that I can hide my illness well enough.




Oh no are they not there!


Friends mom: Hello?

Momma: Oh Hi, is this Friends Mom?

(crap she answered, please don't ask me if everything is OK, then I will be compelled to tell you that I have issues and no I do not believe I need medication for it .......yet)

Friends Mom: Yes it is?

Momma: Hi, this is Momma. Is Not The Baby around?

Friends Mom: Well of course they are right here (the tone sounded as if she was saying "well of course they are here, what do you think that I don't watch them, and then I felt bad about asking her like that because of course I think she knows where they are, I trust her completely.)

Momma: Well could I speak with Not The Baby for a minute?

Friends Mom: Sure you can.

At this point she is probably thinking: "My goodness lady cut the cord already."

Not The Baby: Hello?

Momma: Not The Baby?

Not The Baby: Yessssss Momma!

Momma: Well here's the thing, Baby Girl and I were just sitting here thinking about the fact that we already miss you. Oh are you having fun?

Not The Baby: Yes Momma

Momma: Well like I said we were just thinking about how much we miss you and then it occurred to me that you are leaving for camp next week and I will not be able to talk to you and so I was just freaking out a little bit.

Not The Baby: (chuckle) I know Momma (chuckle)

(I think this is the time where I heard her whisper to her friend my mom is nuts.)

Momma: Well OK sweetheart, I will let you go. Have fun Now. That was all I wanted to say to you, call me when you wake up in the morning.

Not The Baby: I know Momma, I always do.

Not the Baby hangs up............

OK, so am I on the verge of mental illness?

Am I a pathetic excuse of a human being?

Am I somehow expressing the need to be loved by those who already love me?

Or do you just think it is mental illness?

OK seriously, you don't have to answer.

Then the phone rings, and Baby Girl answers it.

Baby Girl: Momma it's my friend she wants me to come over!

Momma: OK honey, you can stay for 15 minutes!

Gotcha......I gave her way longer than that!

I let her stay for 25 minutes!

OK don't freak out I'm not that weird, I let her stay for a couple of hours..............see I don't think I need medication yet.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

How Brat Baby Got Her Name

Yesterday when I was writing the post I kind of felt bad about singling out Brat Baby and I mean she does have the worst name of all my babies, but I just want you to know that Brat Baby is really not a brat 24/7.
As far as brats go, all of my offspring deserve that name at least once during some part of each and everyday, not to mention so does Papa.

OK I do too!

Now Brat Baby was the second of the clan to be born. I was so excited about having a girl like most mommas are when they find out they will have someone to dress up, have a reason to buy those cute little baby dolls for and bake cookies together with.
So on our way home from the hospital with Brat Baby she starts crying, Papa says "Oh she probably just does not like the car ride."
"Maybe your right Papa, because she was doing so well at the hospital (why is that, they are angels at the hospital and then you get them home and it is like they are saying "I was expecting the living conditions to be a little better than this, take me back NOW!), it's just I thought the car ride would be soothing to her like it is for most babies," I tell him.

Baby Boy, who is really a baby Boy at this time is looking at me like "Oh great what have you done now mom."
After getting home I instantly take Brat Baby out of her seat and try to feed and rock her.

Still More Crying

I try gentle bouncing like I would do for Baby Boy when he was little (he loved that).

Still More Crying

I tried just walking around the house with her.

Still More Crying

I tried laying her down.

Now the crying has gotten much louder, I say to Papa "Well at least we know her lungs are fully developed."

I hope this is not a sign of what is to come!

Well let's just say if Brat Baby ever wants to sing opera, then we have figured out over the last decade and a half that her lung capacity is more than capable of handling that kind of straining that it takes to sing opera.

While Brat Baby goes through her teenage years, I would often question whether or not I was being a good enough momma. How could I do so many things wrong in one persons eye. Then she would pop off to me and I would tell Papa "Oh that shit is not my fault, she has her own issues to deal with and they have nothing to do with me."
And would you believe that Papa would tell me that the reason Brat Baby and I fight so much is because we are just alike............."What are you telling me, that I, Momma Of The Year, is like Brat Baby Of The Year. Are you crazy man, we are as different as margarine and butter (by the way always cook with butter, it is so much better)!
Then Papa gives me another one of his stupid "One Day My Intelligence Will Reign" looks.
I'd like to wipe that look off his face.

We fought so much over the years that one day she hugged me and when I wrapped my arms around her I didn't recognize the body that I was hugging.

OK I am sorry I need to go get a tissue and dry up these tears before I short out this lap top.




Sorry, I'm back now.

Oh my, had it really been that long since I have felt the hug of my first daughter, the one that had the cutest curls in her hair that would bounce every time she walked.
I could not help myself, I started crying and squeezing her tighter and could not bring myself to let her go, that is until she screamed out "Would You Get Off of Me!
"Why do you have to be so weird mom?"

OK so that brought me back from Mother Dream Land and into reality.
At that moment of sheer pleasure of feeling my daughters arms wrapped around me and yet hearing her voice of anger to get off her, I could see a faint light in my tunnel of darkness with Brat Baby. And a faint light was all this momma needed to continue her uphill hike with her first daughter.

Papa was right we are a lot alike. Brat Baby likes to cook, garage sale and bargain hunt with me.
Our taste are a lot alike.

Papa of course does know a thing or two about me and he knows that it is not safe to tell me "I told you so."

Brat Baby is the first of all our babies to step up to the plate and help her family with anything, and she now loves and supports me in everything I do as well as she supports everyone else in our little insane asylum we call HOME.

Now don't get me wrong every now and then Brat Baby like to see if she can sing it like the fat lady.

I love you my little Adelina Juana Maria Patti .

Monday, June 16, 2008

Small Town, Big Talk

This morning I woke up to more rain and lightening and the fact that I can stay in my pajamas, drink my Senseo coffee and watch it pour outside for as long as I want to since I am so lucky to have my summers off. Now before you go and get jealous just know that my public school paying job pays less than the french fryer at McDonald's. (No I don't have actual quotes on that but I am guessing and I would imagine that my guess is pretty good)

To my surprise when I rolled out of my bed (and man these days I am seriously rolling and not jumping out) I found Papa still home, normally he has left for work before I get up.

Papa proceeds to tell me that he has lost his wallet. Now I know we all miss place things on occasion and some of us more often than others but this man would lose his head if was not attached. So I say to Papa "Retrace your steps".

Papa says "Well I always come right in the door and put my stuff in my box as soon as I walk in."

I say, "Well I'm just guessing here but it appears that you did not do that last night so where do you think you may have lost it."

OK lets pause right here.........I need to Take A Deep Breath......................................

Forget it, this story is going to stress me out too much and this blogging thing is suppose to make me feel good ...right??

I promise to finish it when I get me blood pressure down.

Like I was saying I was enjoying a morning of rain and coffee and I spoke to Chief Silver Fox (aka my sister) like I do almost every morning. I decided it is time to wake the babies and tell them that we are going to the local tiny cafe to feed our face like there is a food ration. Brat Baby was up and at em in no time because she is her mothers daughter and food rents a big room in her heart and stomach. I knew getting Brat Baby up would be no problem.

Next I headed to my room to awaken Baby Girl and Not The Baby. See the storm lasted all through the night so Not The Baby chose to be wrapped up in our little Mexican plate during the night due to her fear of storms.

When I asked Baby Girl if she wanted to go to her favorite cafe for lots of bread, pork and gravy she said "Do I have 60 seconds? If not I can get ready in 30."

I love that about Baby Girl, she can plunge into the morning like a pig into a new plate of slop.

Now when I went to wake Not The Baby I knew that things would not go as smoothly as it had with the other whippersnappers.

Remember Not The Baby lives a free and happy life, so getting up before her body has had all 10 hours of sleep is like getting Lucifer's son (our new puppy) to stop chewing on our hands every time we try to pet the little Prince Of Darkness.

So I just told her "Good luck and God Bless you while I am away eating mounds of pancakes and buttery goodness . I hope that the lightening does not strike the bed where you slumber but rather the laundry room or some other useless place like that." She Freaked!

She also made it out the door in thirty minutes, record time for her!

After arriving at the restaurant we of course had to argue about what we were ordering and not ordering, asking the waitress three times to come back in a little while. Brat Baby is always worried she is not going to have enough food, Not The Baby wants to order the most expensive thing on the menu, Baby Girl is pretty much satisfied with sharing with everyone and I Momma want to see if I can set a new record and eat out cheaper than the senior citizens at the next table.

Which brings me to the point of today's post (I'm talking about the senior citizens).

Living in a small town and a southern town at that is like reading a biography of everyone who lives in that town. As we were sitting at our table minding our own business and fighting with Brat Baby about the volume of food that she ordered would be enough or if it wasn't I would give her mine and if she wanted me to I could pretend to be a mother bird and throw up everything I have in my stomach that she might find nutritionally useful. When all of a sudden the elderly gentlemen sitting five inches away from us (remember small cafe) turned away from his table of four friends and said:

" Hi girls! are you all sister's?

"Which one is the smartest one?"

"Momma do you have any boys?"

"Oh really, how many?"

"What do you girls want to be when you grow up?"

"Do you have a puppy?"

*OK at that point we all almost lost it, my thought was "should I tell this sweet man that we house Azazel right here in small town USA, I mean he could have a heart attack and then my fun little breakfast would be cut short. Instead we just answered "yes we have a puppy". Back to the questions.

"What kind of dog is it?"

"Well I have a small dog that sticks his face up to mine and he sleeps with momma here (sweet man points to the woman sitting next to him, she refuses to acknowledge, clearly she had been down this road of long rambling with her husband before) and we live out in the country and I have great grand babies that are just starting to show their personalities and I have a son that drove all the way to California to pick up two puppies, California !with gas prices the way they are, can you believe that?"

Then we are saved by the waitress who brings us our food, and guess what she brought us too much food, apparently she and I do not speak the same language. I was speaking "me want only one full order of biscuits and gravy" she was speaking "Oh I see! you overweight little piglet you want two orders, one for your right side saddle bag and one for your left."

Any how Brat Baby knew then when the waitress sat the plates down that she would not starve this morning and for the first time since we entered 101 Question Cafe she smiled. So we were eating just fine enjoying our overloaded plates of down home goodness when all of a sudden:

" Hey did you see what my friend brought me?" (sweet, little on the scary side old man holds up a shirt that someone just gave him)

"I restore old cars"

" I have four at my house"

Then just when he was about to start another round of questions my older two babies thought it would be a good time to see how the restroom there at Know Every one's Business Cafe was decorated. And sweet old mans wife threw him the check and said "were leaving honey."

I would be lying if I told you that this is unusual in my neck of the woods but I happen to find out lots of gossip and just history about strangers every time I walk out my door and venture into small town USA.

You want to know something else........I wouldn't change it for the world.

Father's Day 2008 (I know I am a day late)

Today is the day to celebrate those men in our life that helped bring us into the world without having to actually spend nine months feeling sick every time you smell something that you used to love to eat.
Hands down to those fathers that didn't actually donate their swimmers but raise and love those children of marriage even when the children swear they will never call him daddy because he was not there when they took their first breath.
Today we also celebrate the father of our children, even if their idea of fathering is handing over the remote and giving your offspring the key to the locker of junk food in the house just to keep them happy until mom gets back from her once a year get together with friends and when you ask him what he fed the kids for dinner and he tells you that the kids never said they were hungry (wow! mom's been gone for six hours and no one ate anything??) and as a matter of fact he is not certain on the location of the youngest descendant. I mean he told the oldest minor to watch her so I should talk to them about not listening to their father.
Oh now don't get me wrong he does some really great things. Like keeping me real when I want to ground the Brat Baby for life because she thinks that she can be in the same room as a humanoid of the opposite sex as her.
Or when Baby Boy decides he is a man and wants to see the world and I think that tying him up to his bed is a better idea. It was his father that helped me see the light that at some point in their life I will have to "cut the cord" as he likes to say. Then I of course argue with him and tell him he know nothing about raising MY kids and in return he says nothing but just gives me that look like "One Day My Intelligence will reign".
Then finally I get smart (so what if it took me 19 years) and I realize that the father of my children does know a thing or two(two may be pushing it) about parenting. Of course as a wife and a woman that comes from a long line of strong , who needs a man kind of of genes. I look at him and tell him "Whatever, you were right, THIS TIME and if you even think of telling anyone outside of these four walls your dead."
Today is your day so celebrate it, look at those that you love closely and breathe them in, wrap them in your arms and love them like you would your favorite chair with a beer in the side arm and football on TV everyday of the year.
Because today I will look the father of my children in the eye and pretend that I don't know he would rather trade me in for a Harley if he could.
Ride High today my Hell's Angel want-a-be!
Remember tomorrow Father's day is over, so take out the trash on your way to work!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Movin On Up

OK so you know that we are a good size family, yes I know that we are no John and Kate but having three of our four kids as teenagers right now counts as two kids each for everyone human body plus the fact that our house is probably the size of their bus they drive around town.

So when Baby Boy announced that he was seeing the world this summer......another story for later when I feel like I can actually talk about it without blubbering about it.......... and that since My Baby Boy was not coming home until I cooked a turkey then my Brat Baby could take over his room. Now Brat Baby has shared a room with my "I Was Suppose To Be The Baby Forever And Now I'm Not The Baby" for the last 13 years and let me tell you they are as different as night and day ! Brat wants the room clean and in bed by 8:00 pm SHARP!

Not The Baby does not see why anyone should clean a room , live free man , go with the flow man, who needs a shower everyday man (OK she has gotten much better with that when she started figuring out that the cute boys at school don't like stinky girls) and just wanted to have fun. Which is something that I secretly admire about her but I dare not tell her that now, not until she is grown and out of the house and living freely in her own messy home.

Any way Brat Baby could not believe her ears when momma and papa told her that there was a room open at the Crammed Inn and she had first dibs.

Brat Baby: NO WAY

Momma: Yes Way

Brat Baby: No You are lying to me

Papa: No we are telling you the truth

Brat Baby: No, nothing this good could possibly ever be happening to me

Momma: What do you mean nothing this good could be happening to you, I mean for goodness sakes look at who your momma is!

Momma: Well fine you don't want the room I will give it to Baby Girl then or maybe I will give it to Not the Baby or I know I will just let Papa stay in there so I don't have to put up with his snoring, pulling covers, drooling in MY bed and farting all night. Oh wait an minute the farting is coming from my side of the bed.

Brat Baby: Oh no I want it, Thank You, Thank You Thank You! (Then Brat Baby proceeds to do some kind of getting my own room ritual dance)

OK so things are going great and I think "Hey I am on a role today with making people happy, now all I have to do is go and tell Not The Baby and Baby Girl that they will be new roommates."

Remember I told you that we live in a very small house well Baby Girl has never had her own room before she has always shared with me (momma) and before you get all teary eyed about it I would like to think that she has really enjoyed being close to her momma, like really close to her momma . Like we when would go to sleep at night we are wrapped tightly together like a burrito and before you get worried about that part, just like all burritos we would end up losing the wrapped tightly thing and get into our own comfy spots on our bed.
So I am thinking well when I tell Baby Girl that she gets to move into her sisters old room with Not The Baby then she may get a little nervous about it and ask if we still have her pacifiers that she could suck on for comfort, whatever she would want the breast again.
I was certain I knew how not the baby would react to the new living arrangements and here is how that conversation went.

Momma:" Baby Girl, Not The Baby, I have something I want to tell you" (Not The Baby is eyeing Brat Baby as she is hardly able to contain her joy, Not the baby looks at her and then looks at me and gives me the look of "What the Hell are you about to do to me").
"Since Baby Boy has flown the coop a few months before school starts because he thinks he is so much smarter than me and he thinks that he can just up and decide what he can do with his life like he is almost twenty or something (Brat Baby interrupts "momma he is almost twenty")
"like I was saying before someone so rudely gave me a piece of reality. Since Baby Boy decided to pull out his mommas heart and step on it and make her wish he was an infant again. I have decided to give Brat Baby his room and you two are now new best friends. I hope you enjoy your stay together!"

Then all of a sudden Baby Girl somehow knows the getting my own room ritual dance also and she is dancing around the room like she just won the lottery. If I ever win the lottery I want to dance just like that. Meanwhile on the other side of happy mountain Not The Baby has very different emotions from Baby Girl that she wants to share with me.


Momma: "Oh come on Not The Baby"....

Not The Baby: "Come on nothing she is not coming in there and I mean it!"

Momma: "Yes honey she is!"

Now to make matters worse Brat Baby is still doing the ritual dance and Baby Girl is still doing the ritual dance, heck they have combined there ritual dance into one awesome looking dance. Not the baby is ready to crash their little party they have going on.

Not The Baby: "I am telling you that she is not coming into my room!"

Momma: "Oh excuse me little girl but you are not telling me anything, I am telling you that Baby Girl is moving in and that is final and you will love her and be nice to her and if she wants you to wrap up like a burrito with her than by golly you will be the tortilla. Do you get me my little Mexican staple!"

Oh stop worrying I did not tell her she had to wrap her up in her arm every night, they will have separate beds and I told Baby Girl that I could still wrap her up in my arms.

Not The Baby: "WHATEVER!"

Momma: "I love you honey!"

This is where Not The Baby exits the scene.

So after all the dancing was over Brat Baby started right away packing all of Baby Boys things up that he had left behind.
That was hard for momma. It was like I was saying goodbye without really saying good bye and I wanted to be happy for Brat Baby but I was sad that Baby Boy was not here and would not occupy that room forever (well maybe not forever but maybe a while longer). Brat baby of course did not care that she was packing up all of her brothers things she was just thrilled that she was not longer going to have to be drill Sargent to Not The Baby.

Not The Baby was not seen or heard from for at least thirty minutes. When she returned from Hate Island she went directly to Baby Girl and said: "Well looks like there is a new Sergent on base soldier and you will obey my commands, Do you hear me mommas girl!"

At that moment something happened that I was hoping for. Baby Girl came up to me and said "momma I don't think I will sleep in there just yet can I stay with you at night" and I said " Of course you can my little Mexican comida."
"Lets go call your brother and tell him I am making turkey early"

Friday, June 13, 2008

In The Begining There Was Light And Of Course You Must Breathe

This is the start of something, at least I hope it is.
The start of an outlet for this stressed out over worked and sometimes under appreciated mom of 11 (ok, so I am counting my four kids, my husband and my dog and our three cats that just showed up at our door one day and the two kittens that the orphaned female just dropped out one month ago).
So enjoy yourself as you laugh with me or more than likely laugh at me as I frequently tell myself to Take A Deep Breath!