Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Most Amazing Thing I Have Ever Done ...Part 1

One day my sister calls me up and says to me:

Sister Annie: Hey guess what?

Momma: What? You got another tattoo?

Sister Annie: No smart ass

Momma: Ok good!

Sister Annie: In January I am going to California for business and a business party and I can bring one person with me and well since my love life is nothing to speak of right now I want to bring you!

Momma: ME?

Momma: Me to California where it is warm and beautiful and there is an ocean?

(I dream of the ocean everyday of my life. I dream of taking my dogs for a walk on the beach. I dream of walking away my troubles on the beach. I dream of picking up treasures on the beach. I dream of taking pictures of my children on the beach. I dream of laying on the beach listening to the sound of the waves crashing........... I think you may have an idea of how much I love the ocean.)

Sister Annie: Yep that's the California that I am talking about.

Momma: Oh my gosh hold on I think I just peed my pants!

Sister Annie: Oh there is just one thing!

Momma: What?

Sister Annie: You have to wear a dress to the company party.

Momma: WHAT! You know I hate dresses. I don't even own a dress. You know I have our fathers legs. You know a dress makes my butt look even bigger. You know I don't need help making my butt look bigger.

Sister Annie: Let me say this again......THE OCEAN...A BEACH...

Momma: How formal would you like this dress to be?

Sister Annie: Yeah well are you going to be able to leave the Babies for the weekend?

Momma: Are you kidding? we are talking the beach here. Of course I can!
(Sorry Babies but I had to do it)

Now let me give you a brief history of my travels through out my life:

Momma at 3 yrs. old:  trip with family to Florida.

Momma as an adult:  soccer tournaments...close enough to drive to.

The End!

So as you can see I have not traveled anywhere really!

I have not rode a plane since I was 3!

I have not left the kids for more than 1 night!

Not to mention that Baby Girl is 10 and I still have to sleep with her until she falls asleep. Normally I fall asleep first and wake up around 3 am. Then if she wakes up after I hit my bed at 3am she yells for me to come back!!!

So this trip was a really big deal for me.

So much happened that I really cant tell it all in one sitting........

I waited till the last minute to pack, waited till the last minute to order a dress that never made it before I left but thanks to a friend with a wardrobe that makes American Eagle look like a Goodwill store I made it to San Francisco with a dress.

My flight was to leave out at 6:20am Friday morning.

We had just had ice and snow hit the day before but the roads were ok. Slick in some parts.

I was headed out of town when I passed a cop and damn if he didn't turn on his lights and come after me. Crap I thought!

I bet he is pulling me over for going to fast for conditions.

So I quickly snap my seat belt that I never seem to be wearing since I started driving my jeep.

I pull into a gas station and start looking for my insurance and drivers license.

Shit I don't have time for this, I have a plane to catch for the first time in my adult life and the second time in 39 years.

Oh this a sign from God to miss my plane because it is going to crash and he does not want to see the Babies be without their Momma?

Ok well...The policeman walks up to my window and says the same old stupid line that they all say......"wondering why I pulled you over?"

I wanted to say...."was it because you saw me taking a hit?"

No I don't smoke pot....I just think it would be fun to screw with a policeman like that. I have always wished I had lots of money but one of the reasons I wished I had lots of money was so that I could get lots of tickets and not worry about it and also so that I could ram people who make me have road rage and not worry about how much it was going to raise my insurance rates.

So I play along "Yes officer, I have no idea why you pulled me over."

"Well you see here young lady, (he didn't really call me young....I just wish he had) you can not drive around with your fog lights on."

"really" I say. ( I give him a look that only a mother can give... you know the one when your kids try to tell you a line of crap like why it is the teachers fault and not their fault that she got kicked out of class for disturbing the teacher while they are teaching.)

So he takes my information and runs a check on me.

The whole time I am thinking....."am I guilty of anything that could get me arrested......... Well only if they could read my mind maybe."

Then an hour later ( or maybe it was five minutes) he came back and said "well I am going to write you a warning only because I need to show my boss that I am actually working. This will not cost you anything."

I told him it better not cost me a damn dime since he has wasted so much of my time.
(well that is what I would tell him if I was rich.)

So I sign my warning, and he asks me why my hands are shaking.

My first thought is "because I am afraid you are reading my mind."

But then I tell him that I am afraid I am going to be late catching my plane and he quickly apologizes for wasting my time and I tell him it is a damn good thing I am in a good mood.

Or I tell him, that's ok.... you are just doing your job. Thanks for all that you do...NOT!

Go eat a freakin donut and leave me alone......wait a minute I just lost it again.

I don't mean what I just said.

Ok ...moving right along.

I pull away and finally head to the airport and as soon as I pull away from the cop I turn my freaking fog lights back on because gosh dang it I am getting older and it helps me see better!

I decide to use valet parking once I get to the airport since it is so cold and since I didn't want to carry my heavy bag any farther than I had to. I was also wondering why I didn't have a bag with wheels on it like every person in that airport!

Oh would that be because I had no idea what I was doing.

Because I have been a devoted Momma my entire life and gave everything I had to my kids therefore I was never able to fly anywhere and hence the stupidity of not knowing how to pack!

Moving right along...

Because I am hard headed and a product of my mother I was not going to ask for assistance from anyone. I was going to walk into that airport and figure it out myself.

That is a strength of mine. ( then again maybe a weakness or something I should discuss with a professional)

So I scan my ticket at the self help computer. That way a airport personnel could not figure out that I was a travel nit wit.

I go in the direction of fellow flyer's and I watch what they do at the security check point.

Which by the way is creepy.

The one in Tulsa is nice but the one in San Francisco is not so nice and neither were the people. Like this lady that I thought was going to take off my head for taking her little basket ...shit she already had two baskets. I thought she could share.

Back to leaving the airport in town.........I find my terminal and everyone is sitting there waiting and I look for someone else that just walked up to see what they do but no one else is walking up and there is a airline employee at the desk.

So I ask myself " do I just sit down or did all these people go up to him and like check in or something?"

" oh crap...I don't know what to do and I don't want anyone else to figure out that I don't know what to do because then I think I will look like a moron."

So I get brave and decide I will just go and talk to the airline employee.

Here is our conversation:

But first we must give airline employee a name............How about Jack Ass!

Momma: Hi...umm I have not done this before so is there something that I am suppose to do?

Jack Ass: what?

Momma: Ummm I said I have never done this before, is there something that I am supposed to do? ( I am talking softly)

Jack Ass: Suppose to do? (he is talking loudly)

Momma: Yes that is what I said I suppose to check in with you?

Jack Ass: What?

Momma: Wow really?

Jack Ass: huh?

Momma: I think I will just have a seat now!

Jack Ass: Ummm Yeah...( his ummm yeah was equal to a DUH!)

So I have a seat and wait.... I am getting worried because the terminal listed on my ticket is not matching what it says on the scrolling screen above Jack Ass's head.

" Oh man, what am I going to do?"

"I cant talk to anyone here because then they will figure out that I have no idea of what I am doing...especially Mr. Stud Muffin sitting next to me with his fancy shoes that cost more than all of my wardrobe put together."

Plus I cant seem to take my eyes and ears off this guy who is talking very loudly on his cell phone and I am looking at the guy next him and wonder why he does not seem irritated by loud talker Billy there and then I figure out that they are together and then I am wondering if they are lovers and so then I cant take my eyes off of the two of them to see if they let on about their sexual realtionship but one of them seems to be getting frustrated with me that I am I pretend to be reading something on my phone.

Then I remember that I am scared that I am am not in the right terminal.

Then some higher power helped me out and I raised my head and looked across the walkway and noticed that my flight was listed at a different terminal so I ever so slyly ( is that actually a word) get out of my seat and make my way to the terminal that is going to get me to the beach like I knew what I was doing all along....but not before I give Mr. Jack Ass a look that only another Jack Ass could give.

The nice airline employee at the other terminal starts calling certain types of flyer's to be seated first.

Ok I problem. "I don't know what type of flyer I am." I look over my ticket.

I am definitely not first class...didn't have to look at my ticket to figure that out. I live in the hood ....please!

So I try to size myself up with other flyer's and I find someone that looks similar to me. Only his skin is darker and he is way taller.....but I think we are about the same.

I decide to follow him to the plane and hey they didn't even stop me!

I get on that cold ass plane and luckily there is no one seated next to me yet.

I watch everyone that enters that plane saying to myself  yes or hell no as to whether or not I want them sitting by me.

Here are just a few of the people that came on that plane:

Tall Basketball player.....yes

Ghetto chick with a serious attitude.....hell no

Grandma with a huge ass purse that will definitely hit me when she sits down .......Please no.

Another Basketball player....sure go ahead

Ghetto chicks best friend.......Keep Movin

Cowboy want-a- be with his big cowboy hat.....not today partner!

Then that was it...they closed the door and I actually have no one sitting beside me!.......SCORE!

I shove my bag that is almost bigger than regulation size under the seat in front of  me. I put my hippy purse in my lap, I fasten my seat belt and hold on for dear life.

Only to sit in the runway for 45 minutes as they de-ice the plane.

Shit did they say de-ice!

Oh man I may need drugs because I am feeling like I am going to vomit but I have no flippin idea where the bathroom is and I am cold as hell and I hate to be cold and I am all alone and what the hell am I thinking going off by myself to California to meet my sister who is a pro at all this shit.

I start texting Not The Baby telling her I am answer ....she is not awake yet and she should be because she is going to be late for school if she is not up by now.

I text Baby Girl.....nothing from her either.

I imagine both of them in their warm beds all snuggled up and wonder if I will ever see them again because the pilot did say ice and well what if they miss some and it gets thrown into the engine or maybe hits my window and cracks it and it breaks every where and it sucks me out of the plane but that damn ghetto girl gets to live because when the pilot sees me falling to the ground he decides to make an emergency landing!

This is why I am no good alone with my thoughts people!

You really have no idea where I can go with this.

As a matter of fact I am now picturing me falling to my death so therefore I must break from my story.

Part two tomorrow.

Peace and Love and safe travels,

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Now She Drives ...

Way back in November when there was not 5 foot snow drifts outside Not The Baby turned 16!

Can you believe it 16!

She chose to go out to dinner with friends for her birthday.

I so wanted to be invited and years ago I would have crashed that party like nobodies business.

But I have grown up a little bit.

( I refuse to grow up completely)

Now that she was 16 it meant driver license time!
Now days you cant just show up at the local armory and get your license when you turn 16. That is unless you have had six months of previous training also know as making the Momma crap her pants as you take the corner 30 MPH.

When it was time to start drivers education Not The Baby brought home information on the cost of such program.
Momma: Oh good! sweetheart let me see what this will cost me.

Not The Baby: I would like to do this one because you get it all done very quickly.

Momma: What the hell are they thinking ? They want $300 dollars to teach you how to drive!

Momma: I think not!
Not The Baby: But I have to have this training to get my license.

Momma: Well you know what I think....... driving is over rated.
Momma: I really don't mind driving you around sweetheart.

Not The Baby: What the hell mom.

Momma: Watch your tone with me!

Not The Baby: Remember I can say that word because it is a place and I am now 16.

Momma: Oh yes, I forgot about YOUR rule.

Momma: What were the other words that you are apparently old enough to say?

Not The Baby: Piss and shit.
Not The Baby: Since those are things we actually do!

(For those of you that don't know it, Not The Baby comes up with her own rules on a daily basis and some how manages to get away with it. Do you think that this is lazy parenting?......This is what you call tired of fighting....been a Momma a long time and the youngest ones totally take advantage of it.)

Anyways back my story......

Momma: You know what big britches I am going to sign us up for the parent taught drivers education!

Not The Baby: But it would be so much easier just to get this over with. Plus you know your driving skills have been in question for some time now. Papa refers you to some race car driver doesn't he?

Momma: Papa is just jealous because I drive better than he does, as a matter of fact I do a lot of things better than he does but don't tell him because he is sensitive and it will just hurt his feelings and then I feel like I have to apologize and quite frankly I don't feel like apologizing over something that I know is true.

So it is set in stone, I will teach Not The Baby how to drive!

The first time or two I was told that I made her nervous.

Baby Girl agreed that I was being a little gripy when Not The Baby drove.
So I tried to tone it down a little.

But for some unknown reason when I would tell Not The Baby to slow down it would take her like an hour to actually put foot to brake.

When she would turn it was like she forgot to bend her arms and the turn would turn into this whole head jerking making the Momma furious situation.
Then one time we were in a parking lot at the local grocery store and I told Not The Baby to turn the wheel a little and get over for the passing car..........nothing.........nothing......she freakin did nothing. So I said it louder.

Momma: Turn the wheel Not The Baby!

Still nothing!
Momma: Turn the F****ing wheel before I grab it!

Not The Baby: Oh my Gawd mother!

Momma: Don't you gawd suck at driving!
Momma: Oh crap did I just say that?

Baby Girl: (who happens to be in the back seat) Yep you sure did Momma....way to are a great teacher!

Momma: Baby it or I will teach you to drive too!

So that is how the 6 month training went in a nut shell.

And thought carrying her in my body for 9 months was a long time!

Long story short she now has her license and thinks it is still cool for her to run errands for me!! ha ha
Wait till she figures out that running all over town grabbing this and that at the store is actually torture.
I have often tried to picture Not The Baby in her car driving along sitting on that booster seat of a pillow she has to have in order to see the over the steering wheel. Wondering if she sings when she drives or if she is really scared out of her mind.

Then while going through some pictures I came across these:

Mystery no more.
She is way too much like her mother.....Help me!

Peace & Love