The Most Amazing Thing I Have Ever Done ...Part 1

One day my sister calls me up and says to me:

Sister Annie: Hey guess what?

Momma: What? You got another tattoo?

Sister Annie: No smart ass

Momma: Ok good!

Sister Annie: In January I am going to California for business and a business party and I can bring one person with me and well since my love life is nothing to speak of right now I want to bring you!

Momma: ME?

Momma: Me to California where it is warm and beautiful and there is an ocean?

(I dream of the ocean everyday of my life. I dream of taking my dogs for a walk on the beach. I dream of walking away my troubles on the beach. I dream of picking up treasures on the beach. I dream of taking pictures of my children on the beach. I dream of laying on the beach listening to the sound of the waves crashing........... I think you may have an idea of how much I love the ocean.)

Sister Annie: Yep that's the California that I am talking about.

Momma: Oh my gosh hold on I think I just peed my pants!

Sister Annie: Oh there is just one thing!

Momma: What?

Sister Annie: You have to wear a dress to the company party.

Momma: WHAT! You know I hate dresses. I don't even own a dress. You know I have our fathers legs. You know a dress makes my butt look even bigger. You know I don't need help making my butt look bigger.

Sister Annie: Let me say this again......THE OCEAN...A BEACH...

Momma: How formal would you like this dress to be?



Sister Annie: Yeah well are you going to be able to leave the Babies for the weekend?

Momma: Are you kidding? we are talking the beach here. Of course I can!
(Sorry Babies but I had to do it)

Now let me give you a brief history of my travels through out my life:

Momma at 3 yrs. old:  trip with family to Florida.

Momma as an adult:  soccer tournaments...close enough to drive to.

The End!


So as you can see I have not traveled anywhere really!

I have not rode a plane since I was 3!

I have not left the kids for more than 1 night!

Not to mention that Baby Girl is 10 and I still have to sleep with her until she falls asleep. Normally I fall asleep first and wake up around 3 am. Then if she wakes up after I hit my bed at 3am she yells for me to come back!!!

So this trip was a really big deal for me.

So much happened that I really cant tell it all in one sitting........

I waited till the last minute to pack, waited till the last minute to order a dress that never made it before I left but thanks to a friend with a wardrobe that makes American Eagle look like a Goodwill store I made it to San Francisco with a dress.

My flight was to leave out at 6:20am Friday morning.

We had just had ice and snow hit the day before but the roads were ok. Slick in some parts.

I was headed out of town when I passed a cop and damn if he didn't turn on his lights and come after me. Crap I thought!

I bet he is pulling me over for going to fast for conditions.

So I quickly snap my seat belt that I never seem to be wearing since I started driving my jeep.

I pull into a gas station and start looking for my insurance and drivers license.

Shit I don't have time for this, I have a plane to catch for the first time in my adult life and the second time in 39 years.

Oh no.....is this a sign from God to miss my plane because it is going to crash and he does not want to see the Babies be without their Momma?

Ok well...The policeman walks up to my window and says the same old stupid line that they all say......"wondering why I pulled you over?"

I wanted to say...."was it because you saw me taking a hit?"

No I don't smoke pot....I just think it would be fun to screw with a policeman like that. I have always wished I had lots of money but one of the reasons I wished I had lots of money was so that I could get lots of tickets and not worry about it and also so that I could ram people who make me have road rage and not worry about how much it was going to raise my insurance rates.

So I play along "Yes officer, I have no idea why you pulled me over."

"Well you see here young lady, (he didn't really call me young....I just wish he had) you can not drive around with your fog lights on."

"really" I say. ( I give him a look that only a mother can give... you know the one when your kids try to tell you a line of crap like why it is the teachers fault and not their fault that she got kicked out of class for disturbing the teacher while they are teaching.)

So he takes my information and runs a check on me.

The whole time I am thinking....."am I guilty of anything that could get me arrested......... Well only if they could read my mind maybe."

Then an hour later ( or maybe it was five minutes) he came back and said "well I am going to write you a warning only because I need to show my boss that I am actually working. This will not cost you anything."

I told him it better not cost me a damn dime since he has wasted so much of my time.
(well that is what I would tell him if I was rich.)

So I sign my warning, and he asks me why my hands are shaking.

My first thought is "because I am afraid you are reading my mind."

But then I tell him that I am afraid I am going to be late catching my plane and he quickly apologizes for wasting my time and I tell him it is a damn good thing I am in a good mood.

Or I tell him, that's ok.... you are just doing your job. Thanks for all that you do...NOT!

Go eat a freakin donut and leave me alone......wait a minute I just lost it again.

I don't mean what I just said.

Ok ...moving right along.

I pull away and finally head to the airport and as soon as I pull away from the cop I turn my freaking fog lights back on because gosh dang it I am getting older and it helps me see better!

I decide to use valet parking once I get to the airport since it is so cold and since I didn't want to carry my heavy bag any farther than I had to. I was also wondering why I didn't have a bag with wheels on it like every person in that airport!

Oh would that be because I had no idea what I was doing.

Because I have been a devoted Momma my entire life and gave everything I had to my kids therefore I was never able to fly anywhere and hence the stupidity of not knowing how to pack!

Moving right along...

Because I am hard headed and a product of my mother I was not going to ask for assistance from anyone. I was going to walk into that airport and figure it out myself.

That is a strength of mine. ( then again maybe a weakness or something I should discuss with a professional)

So I scan my ticket at the self help computer. That way a airport personnel could not figure out that I was a travel nit wit.

I go in the direction of fellow flyer's and I watch what they do at the security check point.

Which by the way is creepy.

The one in Tulsa is nice but the one in San Francisco is not so nice and neither were the people. Like this lady that I thought was going to take off my head for taking her little basket ...shit she already had two baskets. I thought she could share.

Back to leaving the airport in town.........I find my terminal and everyone is sitting there waiting and I look for someone else that just walked up to see what they do but no one else is walking up and there is a airline employee at the desk.

So I ask myself " do I just sit down or did all these people go up to him and like check in or something?"

" oh crap...I don't know what to do and I don't want anyone else to figure out that I don't know what to do because then I think I will look like a moron."

So I get brave and decide I will just go and talk to the airline employee.

Here is our conversation:


But first we must give airline employee a name............How about Jack Ass!

Momma: Hi...umm I have not done this before so is there something that I am suppose to do?

Jack Ass: what?

Momma: Ummm I said I have never done this before, is there something that I am supposed to do? ( I am talking softly)

Jack Ass: Suppose to do? (he is talking loudly)

Momma: Yes that is what I said ....am I suppose to check in with you?

Jack Ass: What?

Momma: Wow really?

Jack Ass: huh?

Momma: I think I will just have a seat now!

Jack Ass: Ummm Yeah...( his ummm yeah was equal to a DUH!)

So I have a seat and wait.... I am getting worried because the terminal listed on my ticket is not matching what it says on the scrolling screen above Jack Ass's head.

" Oh man, what am I going to do?"

"I cant talk to anyone here because then they will figure out that I have no idea of what I am doing...especially Mr. Stud Muffin sitting next to me with his fancy shoes that cost more than all of my wardrobe put together."

Plus I cant seem to take my eyes and ears off this guy who is talking very loudly on his cell phone and I am looking at the guy next him and wonder why he does not seem irritated by loud talker Billy there and then I figure out that they are together and then I am wondering if they are lovers and so then I cant take my eyes off of the two of them to see if they let on about their sexual realtionship but one of them seems to be getting frustrated with me that I am staring....so I pretend to be reading something on my phone.

Then I remember that I am scared that I am am not in the right terminal.

Then some higher power helped me out and I raised my head and looked across the walkway and noticed that my flight was listed at a different terminal so I ever so slyly ( is that actually a word) get out of my seat and make my way to the terminal that is going to get me to the beach like I knew what I was doing all along....but not before I give Mr. Jack Ass a look that only another Jack Ass could give.

The nice airline employee at the other terminal starts calling certain types of flyer's to be seated first.

Ok I think....new problem. "I don't know what type of flyer I am." I look over my ticket.

I am definitely not first class...didn't have to look at my ticket to figure that out. I live in the hood ....please!

So I try to size myself up with other flyer's and I find someone that looks similar to me. Only his skin is darker and he is way taller.....but I think we are about the same.

I decide to follow him to the plane and hey they didn't even stop me!

I get on that cold ass plane and luckily there is no one seated next to me yet.

I watch everyone that enters that plane saying to myself  yes or hell no as to whether or not I want them sitting by me.

Here are just a few of the people that came on that plane:

Tall Basketball player.....yes

Ghetto chick with a serious attitude.....hell no

Grandma with a huge ass purse that will definitely hit me when she sits down .......Please no.

Another Basketball player....sure go ahead

Ghetto chicks best friend.......Keep Movin

Cowboy want-a- be with his big cowboy hat.....not today partner!

Then that was it...they closed the door and I actually have no one sitting beside me!.......SCORE!

I shove my bag that is almost bigger than regulation size under the seat in front of  me. I put my hippy purse in my lap, I fasten my seat belt and hold on for dear life.

Only to sit in the runway for 45 minutes as they de-ice the plane.

Shit did they say de-ice!

Oh man I may need drugs because I am feeling like I am going to vomit but I have no flippin idea where the bathroom is and I am cold as hell and I hate to be cold and I am all alone and what the hell am I thinking going off by myself to California to meet my sister who is a pro at all this shit.

I start texting Not The Baby telling her I am scared....no answer ....she is not awake yet and she should be because she is going to be late for school if she is not up by now.

I text Baby Girl.....nothing from her either.

I imagine both of them in their warm beds all snuggled up and wonder if I will ever see them again because the pilot did say ice and well what if they miss some and it gets thrown into the engine or maybe hits my window and cracks it and it breaks every where and it sucks me out of the plane but that damn ghetto girl gets to live because when the pilot sees me falling to the ground he decides to make an emergency landing!

This is why I am no good alone with my thoughts people!

You really have no idea where I can go with this.

As a matter of fact I am now picturing me falling to my death so therefore I must break from my story.

Part two tomorrow.

Peace and Love and safe travels,
Momma

Now She Drives ...

Way back in November when there was not 5 foot snow drifts outside Not The Baby turned 16!

Can you believe it 16!

She chose to go out to dinner with friends for her birthday.

I so wanted to be invited and years ago I would have crashed that party like nobodies business.

But I have grown up a little bit.

( I refuse to grow up completely)

Now that she was 16 it meant driver license time!

Now days you cant just show up at the local armory and get your license when you turn 16. That is unless you have had six months of previous training also know as making the Momma crap her pants as you take the corner 30 MPH.

When it was time to start drivers education Not The Baby brought home information on the cost of such program.

Momma: Oh good! sweetheart let me see what this will cost me.

Not The Baby: I would like to do this one because you get it all done very quickly.

Momma: What the hell are they thinking ? They want $300 dollars to teach you how to drive!

Momma: I think not!

Not The Baby: But I have to have this training to get my license.

Momma: Well you know what I think....... driving is over rated.

Momma: I really don't mind driving you around sweetheart.

Not The Baby: What the hell mom.

Momma: Watch your tone with me!

Not The Baby: Remember I can say that word because it is a place and I am now 16.

Momma: Oh yes, I forgot about YOUR rule.

Momma: What were the other words that you are apparently old enough to say?

Not The Baby: Piss and shit.

Not The Baby: Since those are things we actually do!

(For those of you that don't know it, Not The Baby comes up with her own rules on a daily basis and some how manages to get away with it. Do you think that this is lazy parenting?......This is what you call tired of fighting....been a Momma a long time and the youngest ones totally take advantage of it.)

Anyways back my story......

Momma: You know what big britches I am going to sign us up for the parent taught drivers education!

Not The Baby: But it would be so much easier just to get this over with. Plus you know your driving skills have been in question for some time now. Papa refers you to some race car driver doesn't he?

Momma: Papa is just jealous because I drive better than he does, as a matter of fact I do a lot of things better than he does but don't tell him because he is sensitive and it will just hurt his feelings and then I feel like I have to apologize and quite frankly I don't feel like apologizing over something that I know is true.

So it is set in stone, I will teach Not The Baby how to drive!

The first time or two I was told that I made her nervous.

Baby Girl agreed that I was being a little gripy when Not The Baby drove.

So I tried to tone it down a little.

But for some unknown reason when I would tell Not The Baby to slow down it would take her like an hour to actually put foot to brake.

When she would turn it was like she forgot to bend her arms and the turn would turn into this whole head jerking making the Momma furious situation.

Then one time we were in a parking lot at the local grocery store and I told Not The Baby to turn the wheel a little and get over for the passing car..........nothing.........nothing......she freakin did nothing. So I said it louder.

Momma: Turn the wheel Not The Baby!

Still nothing!

Momma: Turn the F****ing wheel before I grab it!

Not The Baby: Oh my Gawd mother!

Momma: Don't you gawd me....you suck at driving!

Momma: Oh crap did I just say that?

Baby Girl: (who happens to be in the back seat) Yep you sure did Momma....way to go...you are a great teacher!

Momma: Baby Girl....zip it or I will teach you to drive too!

So that is how the 6 month training went in a nut shell.

And thought carrying her in my body for 9 months was a long time!

Long story short she now has her license and thinks it is still cool for her to run errands for me!! ha ha

Wait till she figures out that running all over town grabbing this and that at the store is actually torture.

I have often tried to picture Not The Baby in her car driving along sitting on that booster seat of a pillow she has to have in order to see the over the steering wheel. Wondering if she sings when she drives or if she is really scared out of her mind.

Then while going through some pictures I came across these:

Mystery no more.
She is way too much like her mother.....Help me!

Peace & Love
Momma

2010-2011 Brings A New Life For Momma

I have so many times thought about this blog and longed for it.



I also have longed for the time that I used to have to write this blog.



Life is crazy.



I know tell you something you don't already know.



But really life is crazy.



Last summer my five year stretch with the public schools was being threatened.



Budget cuts....what else is there?



I heard through the grapevine that I may not have a job.



I loved my job.



I was damn good at my job.



I loved those kids.



Now the pay, well that is a totally different subject.



Pay for a classified employee in my position not only sucks but makes a leech look good.



Then out of the blue came an opportunity that if I let pass by me my friends and family members said they would no longer speak to me.



Ok... ok.... I get it.



God (whom I really should listen to more often...forgive me Lord) was laying it right in front of me and saying take it or your a fool.



So July 12th 2010 I became a employee of a major oil company and guess what?



I am on the bottom of the totem pole and they still pay way better than the school.



Do I miss the time off for all those school breaks .....what are you kidding, hell yes I do!



Do I miss the kids.....You better believe it.



Do I miss sleeping past 4:30 in the morning and taking Baby Girl to school?

With every ounce of my being!



But sometimes you have to look past the here and now and for me that is hard because the here and now are my babies.



The here and now I can never get back.



The future....well no guarantee.



Am I thankful for what I am doing now?



YES



Yes because it has made me look at me.



Made me realize that after the kids there is me.



I also thought that my life could not coincide with my kids.



I have found out that I was wrong about that too.



You know what?



I have found out that I was wrong about a lot of things.




I would hate to think that I would walk around this beautiful earth always thinking that I had it all figured out and only what I believe is the way for everyone to believe.



Yep that was me in a nut shell.



Now I see more.



I hear more.



I feel more.



Now I would be lying if I didn't tell you that life has scared me, made me harder and there are times that I long for little naive me.



There are times that I long for that sweet person that was once me.



I can still be sweet but I guess I am just a little more" life educated".



I still however believe that what does not kill you only makes you stronger and also that things happen for a reason.



I have tendency with my life to be afraid when things are going well because I am always looking around the corner for something bad to come my way.



Just when you least expect it.



Like a long lost friend from high school that you never really knew why you were friends with her because down deep you hate her guts and you want the whole world to know what bitch she really is!



But really we can not control anything. Life will hit you no matter what you do to avoid it.



Sometimes it hits you like a good hand of cards and other times like a brick wall.



I am not a gambling girl but I prefer cards please!





So bottom line I have a new job that actually has room for growth.



I am still dying to get back to college and will do everything in my power to make that happen this year.



I am down to two Babies at the house.



I finally drive something that is not considered to be a grandma car for the first time in my life. (thanks to the new job)



Oh yeah and I actually am a grandma....but don't you even think about calling me that because even though my thirties are quickly fading they say thirties are the new twenties and well that means when I hit 40 that I would actually be 30??



Plus I was not suppose to me a grandma this young and Brat Baby was suppose to take a different road in life .....looks to me like her name fits her properly!



Sense a little soreness there?



Oh.... like it was yesterday!



There is something that I should change.....holding onto anger for too long!

Oh well I never said I was perfect.

Fells damn good to write.

Peace and Love,
MOMMA

P.S.
I actually left home all alone for a trip of my lifetime.....cant wait to share.

Teacher? Maybe... Probablly..... More Than Likely!

I think I have told you about how Baby Girl does not really play with toys. If not well I am now.

Baby Girls favorite thing in the whole wide world to play is school.

Can you guess who gets to be the teacher?

Baby Girl...duh!

Can you guess who gets to be the student?

That's right any poor sucker that walks in this house willing to do exactly as she says.

Mainly though its the sweet little neighbor boy who is two years younger than her.

Who also has a speech problem, which means his pleas for school to be over tends to go without being heard or understood.

Yesterday sweet little neighbor boy....lets call him Mr. Bean (yes there is a story behind that) came over to play. Sadness came over his face when Baby Girl announced to him that they would be playing school, but Mr. Bean has no one else to play with so he agreed, at least we think he did.

So as I am cleaning the house I walk by their school room (front living room....like I have a choice, you have to. Actually this house is so small you pretty much pass each and every room anytime you need to go anywhere.....hey but I'm not complaining. It's paid for) and Mr. Bean is actually reading a book to Teacher Baby Girl.

I think to myself: well a little bit of forced Baby Girl school is good for him, he is playing and learning at the same time.

Then a little bit later I walk by the front room and they are not there, everything that they were playing with is there though.

So I walk down the hall and pass the computer room.

There in the middle of the floor is Mr. Bean sitting kriss cross apple sauce with his eyes fixed on something in front of him and above him.

I look to see what he is looking at and if it wasn't the meanest looking person I had ever seen in my life (and yes I have seen some...cough ...cough...ha..ha ) Teacher Baby Girl had turned into Principal Baby Girl and was making Mr. Bean sit in silence. Then I heard her tell him:

Principal Baby Girl: So is this more fun than being in class?

Mr. Bean: nooooo

Principal Baby Girl: Ok then I expect you to go to class and listen to your teacher!

Mr. Bean: Okkkkk

I thought at that moment, if this girl does not grow up and do something where she is in charge I will be shocked to no get out!

I have been trying to talk her into being a lawyer. The way she argues with me and brings me to a dead stop....well, she should put her talent to good use some day.

Keep Mr. Bean in your prayers, the poor kid will need it!

Teacher Baby Girl was giving out pretzels later that school day for each correct answer that Mr. Bean got right. When Baby Girl had to help him with one he was only allowed half a pretzel. Funny thing is Teacher Baby Girl got a whole pretzel for every question she asked.

Mr. Bean left to make the long journey home to go get himself some food, the half pretzel was just torture.


People tell me that Baby Girl is a lot like her Momma.............



smile

Where Oh Where Did My Baby Go Oh Where Oh Where Can She Be!

Baby Girl is 9 years old and those of you with younger children or maybe even older children will think to yourself....9 ......9 is still young!



But let me tell you thanks to older siblings, lack of sensoring on television and the internet our babies now know more than you and I would have ever thought of at that age.



Now , No I do not let her watch whatever she wants, to tell you the truth there are many days of the week that the tv does not even come on in our house.



No I do not let her search the internet, she seldom gets on unless it is freezing or raining outside and she is not able to jump on the trampoline or teach our neighbor boy how he should be learning math (even though she is not an expert herself, she got that from her momma).



Baby Girl does not reveal everything she knows, at least that is what I am thinking but yesterday morning we had just dropped off Not The Baby at school and we stopped to get gas in the car because it had reached the point that it was only chugging down the road (how I hate to get gas) due to lack of fuel, and as I was gasing up the car I notice two little birds just chirping away and thought to myself...ahhhh spring, how I love spring.


I look into the car and see that Baby Girl is also watching the birds, very intently I might add and I think to myself, thank goodness she still notices the little things in life, maybe she still is Momma's little girl inside and not some pre-teen brat that thinks she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants because by golly she is in control of herself and not Me!!! (feel the motherly frustration?)

I watch Baby Girl watching the birds and then she turns to me to see if I see them and I think...ahhh and I lip to her yes honey I see them, arent they cute!

And through the glass she lips to me:

Baby Girl: They are mating!

Momma: Holly hell who taught you that, damn it, just watch the birds and think they are playing!
Thanks a lot for ruining my moment........damn pre-teenism!

Now not to worry I said all of those things to the gas hose and not to Baby Girl, to Baby Girl I just smiled like someone had just shit in my face.

And she went on watching the horney birds!!!

Then if that was not enough she felt like she needed to explain the situation to me when I get into the car ater paying for gas.

Baby Girl: Momma did you see those birds?

Momma: Yep saw the birds!

Momma: Did you see how much gas cost today!

Baby Girl: They were mating

Momma: Did you remember your back pack?

Baby Girl: The boy bird wants to have babies with the girl bird.

Momma: Are you buckled?

Baby Girl: But the girl bird said get off me!

Momma: WWWWHHHHHOOOOOOOOO WWWWWHHHHHHAAAATTTTT

Momma: Baby Girl just sing along to the radio, isnt this your favorite song?


I am so screwed!!!

Peace
Momma

Since You've Been Goneeee...

Well I'm lyrically NO Kelly Clarkson.....but for some reason when I wrote the title to this blog that is the first thing that came to my mind.

Man since I've been gone my life has done a 360........like more than once.

So now I wonder when I write will I sound the same, some people tell me that I am different. I don't feel all that different, or maybe I just cant feel it all yet.

I had a year from hell and I know there are worse things out there so please God do not present them to me, I will take your word for it that there are worse things to go through.

This last summer I had a complete and total breakdown ( no I didn't go crazy I just was not me), and now I wish that I would have seeked help or someone would have said....."get some help before you lose it". Because here is the devastating part when you lose it, you tend to do things that are totally out of character and when you do those things there is no way to take them back. They are there, etched in stone, carved out of hearts, and forever burned into your memory bank.
Ok don't go overboard with your thoughts, I didn't kill somebody.

I feel like I could write a book on things that happened. But really I'm not sure I would want anyone to read it.

But instead I think that I will work on getting up the courage to just write this blog.

Believe it or not this is Momma.....and I just wrote my first blog since my life changed forever.

Peace!

Growing Up?

This summer Not The Baby is participating in a program where they put 14 and 15 year olds out in a summer job. The program is directed by a good friend of mine at our local community center.

Now this is not your typical job, this is being the shadow of a CEO and other college graduate jobs.

Jobs that make you think.....I want to go to college and do this some day for a living.

Well when Not The Baby found out that she would be working with the CEO of our local United Way she right off had no idea what that was.

So after explaining it to her she became ever so slightly more excited then she did before.

Quite frankly I think she was just excited about having to dress up.

Which was a bit of a challenge since we are not dress or skirt going ladies in this house. Well ok......I am not.

So off to garage sales I went in search of carer looking, downtown strutting clothes.

And by George if I didn't find some.

The first time I dropped Not The Baby off at her "job" she was so scared that she wanted me to walk her in....so I did.

Well I didn't walk her into the office but I did ride with her on the elevator up to the floor and watched her walk down the hall to her office.

Her comment to me before getting off the elevator:

Not The Baby: " I'm not old enough for a job Momma".

Momma: "Think of the opportunities sweetheart and the people you will meet, because in life it really is about who you know."

Not The Baby: " I am going to be thinking about all the clothes I am going to buy when they pay me!"

Momma: " Ok, well I really want you to lay on the charm with everyone you meet because you never know when you might need these people to land the carer later after college. Hey not to mention an internship while you are in school."

Not The Baby: " I am going to go to the big city mall Momma when I get paid"

Momma: "I mean you are getting an opportunity that most people never get."

Not The Baby: " I think I will go ahead and buy some jeans for the fall season while I have the money."

Momma: "I wish I were in your shoes right now, getting to rub shoulders with community leaders and people in the know."

Not The Baby: "I don't think I will buy any tank tops though, I think I have enough."

Momma: "Remember names of the people you meet and when you go to community meeting try to remember what they are saying so that you can come home and inform me of any cool stuff that is going to be going on around town."

Not The Baby: " I think I may need to buy a new bra too."

Momma: " You should even take your camera especially when you go to the meeting with the state officials."

Not The Baby: " Can we take No Sugar For Me Girl with us when we go shopping?"

Momma: WHAT?

Not The Baby: What?

Momma: " Have you been listening to anything I have said?"

Not The Baby: Yes...Duhhhhh!

At this point the elevator door is getting ready to open and Not The Baby says to me.

Not The Baby: What is the name of the place I am working and what was the ladies name again?

Momma: OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Momma: United Way and her name is Mrs M.

Momma: Have a great day and let me know what stores you want to do your shopping at later.

You got to love her!

What Is The Number To Patent Office?

First off before I start telling you my hair brain idea I just want to thank everyone that prayed and or sent good thoughts my way!

I know we are going to make it through these testing times.

These testing times is what brought me to my wonderfully intelligent idea!

As I was laying in bed this morning contemplating whether to lay there and sleep or get up and witness the beautiful fog and listen to my favorite morning birds sing an idea came to me.

Now before I reveal my idea to you, you have to take the oath of promise.

Ok say it with me:

"I fellow Internet blogger lover and well lover of all things that hath be given to me via the Internet"

" Do solemnly swear not to take Momma's hair brain idea and run to the nearest patent office making a fortune before she gets a chance to re-do her kitchen and bathroom and fix the brakes on her car and put a new roof on and get new flooring all throughout the house and get the Babies braces and Papa glasses and Momma liposuction."

"So help me God"

Ok now that you are under oath I can tell you my idea.

So far my experience as a Momma has been very rewarding and also very trying.
When Baby Boy was just a wee little lad I hovered over him like a mosquito to me on any given Oklahoma summer day.
When Brat Baby was born I still hovered but let her take a step ahead of me just to give her a little room.
When Not The Baby was four we threw a jersey on her at a soccer game with eight year olds and told her to go kick em ass! (man did she ever....she has always rocked at soccer)
When Baby Girl was four and was learning to swim I told her to go jump off that seven foot diving board and swim to Momma.

And guess what? She did!

So do you see the pattern here, I encouraged my children to fear nothing....well not everything but you know the things that I would not have done in a million years (like jumping off that diving board).

So then I wonder why they have the guts to go through with some of the things that they go through with???

DUHH

My idea would involve a little computer chip disguised as a mole that we attach to there head somewhere, like behind their ear so they don't look at it very often or very easily.

The computer chip/mole will send a signal to the parents when the heart rate is elevated therefore warning the parents of something that is about to occur.

We then are linked to the brain of our children to see what it is that they are seeing and signal that brain to either stop what they are doing or about to do or let them go through with it and learn a life lesson.

I know that this could bring up a whole discussion of right from wrong.....In Vitro or not......Stem Cell Research or not.....

But how many of you have already wished that you could change something your child did?

I know there are things that I would change if I could in myself.

Just a little Thursday morning thought.............

Happy Mosquito eating day!

Boy If I Ever Needed Your Prayers.....

I know I have asked for your prayers before and believe me I would not be asking again if I really didn't need them.

Papa and I had some serious problems and with prayer and a little time away from each other I think we have things figured out and have realized what we each needed to fix.

Now just when I thought things were going to be getting better Brat Baby has lived up to her name.

Without going into detail I am just sending out an ALL CALL to everyone I know and well to about ten different online prayer request web sites. ( I know maybe I am crazy but I am scared out of my mind)

Tomorrow morning and well of course tonight but tomorrow morning especially would you if you have time please stop for just a second at 10 am and pray for my Brat Baby.

I am one scared and worried Momma and I know that prayer can be stronger than anything.....even me and I like to think that I am really strong.

I swear if anyone tries to tell you that motherhood is easy or that it gets easier the older they get well..........They are so sadly mistaken!

Papa and Brat Baby would probably die if they knew I was writing asking for your help, well because this is our business but you know what......I am keeping it real and well by golly we need help and I know that with prayer ANYTHING can happen!

Plus don't let anyone tell you that their life is perfect because we all have crap in our closet some of us just choose to keep a deadbolt on the door and some of us are not afraid of company coming by.

Oh my gosh i am sending a post via text messaging from my phone i know everyone can do it and it is not a big deal but this is my first time happy friday

What Does The Second P Stand For?

Well Most of you already know what it stands for unless you are my crazy BFF who calls me frantically on the phone to say the following, the moment the phone is answered:


BFF: ARE YOU PREGNANT?

My End of the receiver: WHAT!


BFF: You know the other P word!


My End Of The Receiver: Are you crazy?


BFF: Yes I Just Used The P word!


My End OF The Receiver: WHAT


BFF: Well are you?


My End of the receiver: What P word are you talking about?


BFF: You know the other P word on your blog! Duh!


My End Of The Receiver: Do you want my mom?


BFF: CRAP YOU PEOPLE SOUND ALIKE!


So then I get on the phone and she is sounding very confused and frantic!


I ask her what is going on and reassure her that pregnancy only happens when a male sperm comes in contact with......


Well whatever you get the picture and so there it is not humanly possible that I could be in that state of being. Because if I was, scientist would want to probe and prod me to see how that all happened without contact from the opposite sex.

So that brings me to the other P word.


How about I show you first:








Thats right P stands for PUPPY.



Who could not love a sleeping face like this and this Puppy has a story.




My sister all the way up north in freeze your ass off country has a Australian Shepard Momma who met up with one of the local country boys (which one has yet to be determined) and had a litter of pups. One Saturday morning she calls me and said "I am going to e-mail you a picture of something that you wont be able to turn away."



Well obviously I thought him to be as cute as she did and well that was a no brainer that the Babies would love him the moment they set their eyes on him.



So I say to my sister, are you going to bring him when you take the 12 hour trip home?


Oh and by they way when are you going to get your sorry butt home I have not seen you in a year or better!



Well unfortunately sis could not bring the puppy herself so she did the next best thing.



She flew him on Continental Airlines!


That's right we picked up our new four legged family member at the airport.

Ryder is his name and he is wonderful.


Though it could be the fact that Rex had the bar set so low on expectations of dogs that anything would be considered good compared to the likes of Lucifer

So we are now a family of three indoor R's:

Rex:

Rol-o:








And Now Ryder:










Now we must not leave out the other two cats in our lives....Sky who is a permanent outside resident and Momma/Blackie...she lives part of her days outside and the other part with Brat Baby because she likes NO ONE!

Could that be why she and Brat Baby love each other so much because they are so much alike!

So there you have it a prom dress and a puppy all in one spring break day.

Who could ask for anything more?


Peace out,
Momma

What Begins With The Letter P?

Well let me tell you what begins with the letter P.

Over spring break (ah just the sound of those two words brings me a wonderful feeling going down my spine) I took the girls to the big O town where we went off in search of Brat Baby a Prom dress.

There is the first P word.

Prom Dress.

Pictures will come later.

We went to the worlds largest JC Penneys while we were there and WOW was that something.

I don't usually get excited about clothing stores because I am so stinkin frugal that I don't like to pay department store prices when Sally down the street will do it for me and then I can buy it for fifty cents at her garage sale next season. But let me tell you the clothes were unbelievable!

Brat Baby tried on three dress.

The first one was the one she feel in love with and the girls and I were like.......

Girls: well it is different......maybe a little too different.

Baby Girl: You look like a mermaid

So then Brat Baby tried on a different dress.

She loved it even more.

Girls: You look a little to official!

Baby Girl: You look like Belle from Beauty and the Beast!

Finally Brat Baby tried on dress number 3.

I was in another dressing room trying on some fly jeans that I knew I must own. (Yes I just said fly.....I like that groovy word)

When I hear:

Not The Baby: Oh yes, you will buy that one!

Baby Girl: Uhh Huhh that is it, we are done!

So I think to myself, what are those girls talking about, I mean really how great could it be, it is another dress, all big and shinny like the other ones.

So I opened my dressing room door looking good in those jeans I had on and here is what I saw:

I saw my Brat Baby not looking like a brat!

I saw my Brat Baby looking as beautiful as her third Easter in a homemade dress with all her little curls all over her cute little toe head and her little gap between her two front teeth..................and crap now I am crying!

So much of my time with Brat Baby is spent fighting with her that I tend to forget those times when she was so young and innocent and full of life and love and the moment I saw her in that dress it all came crashing down on my world and I remembered it all!

She was a light in the darkness.

A shine on a silver spoon.

A drink of fresh water.

A new moon.

A shining sun.

She was my Brat Baby and she looked phenomenal!

So needless to say we walked out of the worlds biggest JC Penneys store owning that dress. some really cute shoes with it and somehow some really fly jeans ended up in our bag also!

Tomorrow I will tell you about the other letter P word.

A hint.......

You cant buy it at the Worlds Largest JC Penneys!

Happy Tuesday!

Wow It Has Been A Long Time!

Oh my gosh I have so many things to write about and no idea of where to start.

One great things is when I woke this morning to yelping I saw something that I have not seen in a few days.

The beautiful sun.

All round and gleaming.

Full of spring time beaming.

Yesterdays snow fall felt so weird. I am usually happy about snow fall because then it would mean a possible day home with the kids off from school but heck this is spring and no chance of that happening.

All soccer games had to be cancelled and that was a bummer because I am actually ready to get my soccer tan (aka farmers tan).

So instead we did some laundry!

Boy was that a blast.

Then I made chocolate covered strawberries and we ate them in 15 minutes.

Then I made the most delicious roasted chicken and ate that in 5 minutes.

And since were still hungry for chocolate I made some no bake cookies and Devil Dog ate those in 10 minutes......all of them!

Even though my instructions to Not The Baby were before I walked out the door to take Baby Girl to Picture Mommas house for a play date was as follows:

Momma: Not The Baby, you will have to watch these cookies because if you don't Rex will get them!

Not The Baby: Well push them to the center of the table!

Momma: Not The Baby, Rex can get to any part of this table that he wants plus all of the kitchen counter tops, Honey he is a big boy!

Not The Baby: Ok Momma.

Momma: Ok Not The Baby


So off Baby Girl and I go to her bff's house leaving behind the three other Babies, Papa, Our extended family member Girl Next Door, and Brat Babies boyfriend.....hummmm lets call him.....
Keep Your Hands To Yourself Boy Or Momma Will Kick Your Ass And You Will Wish You Never Met Brat Baby!

Ok, so what I don't trust teenagers and especially the ones that stand to pee.

Remember I have one of them.

Anyway my gosh I am getting lost on that......which reminds me of a story that I will share with you on another date.

Anyway as I was drinking coffee at Picture Mommas house and complaining about Papa my cell phone rings.

Momma: Hello?

Not The Baby: Momma?

Momma: Yes honey?

Not The Baby: Momma Rex got a cookie.

Momma: really?

Not The Baby: Yes!

Momma: Well were you not watching him honey?

Not The Baby: Well I was and then he went to lay down and pretended that he was sleeping.

Momma: Ahh the old sleeping trick huh!

Not The Baby: Yes that one Momma.

Momma: Well how bad is it?

Not The Baby: Well Momma he ate every cookie....

Momma: WHAT!

Not The Baby: Every Cookie Momma

Momma: Oh Not The Baby, you have to watch that fart!

Not The Baby: I know I am sorry Momma.

Momma: That's ok

Not The Baby: Can we make some more cookies when you get home?

Momma: No that dang devil ate the last of our oatmeal!

And here I thought he was being such a good boy lately.

Never trust a wolf in sheep's wool!

Also never trust a Papa to do a Momma's job!!!!!!!

I may have to make a trip into town so that I can get Not The Baby some more oatmeal so that the two legged animals in this house can have a cookie today.

Happy Sun Shining Day!

Thought Provoking

I went to a writers workshop headed up by a dear friend of mine.

Every time I am around this friend he leaves me in thought.

He leaves me feeling like there is a whole world at my finger tips just waiting for me to take a turn at.

Even though this is nothing that I don't already know, because I know that anyone can do anything and be anyone.

But we get lost in our daily lives of just being.

We get lost in the day to day rat race and though I would not change it for the world. I know that someday there will not be babies at home to raise and mouths to feed other than my own.

There will not be daily drama to deal with or sibling rivalry to control.

One day there will be just me.

Will I still always just be Momma?

And JUST seems like a word I should not use because to me Momma means everything.

There is no star brighter than a Mom. There is no man on earth that could take my place and so to use the word JUST seems belittling.

Or will I become something else, someone else or just find another part of me that I have yet to explore.

Or will I just dream about those things that I wanted to try, or envoy those that took the leap.

There are days that I wake up and see myself as someone who is yet to find her path. Then there are days that I wake up and say to myself, who could ask for anything more.

I feel comfort in the days of complete contentness.

I feel edgy on the days that I seek fulfillment.

So then I find myself walking around somewhere in the middle of both emotions.

Really I don't think one lifetime is enough to do everything I want to do and as I sat here I hear the clock ticking and I tell myself that life is to short for dreams only.

Then my babies walk in the room and tell me how much they love me and I think that I could die the happiest person on earth at that very moment.

Gawd I hate it when I think too much..................I need to just go to bed and dream happy content dreams. No sky diving in this dream!

If I Am This Bad At Thrity Something .......

My memory is about as good as a lady living out her 99th year in a rocking chair next to her window.

Sometimes I worry about it and think "you know maybe I should see a doctor!"

Then there are other times I just think, "no Momma you just need to focus better!"

Then there are times when my family makes me feel like a complete fool "Gosh Momma you don't remember anything I tell you do you?"

Papa however uses it to his advantage and says things like "Oh don't you remember I told you that I was going to be late getting home tonight?"

Whatever!

I know he is full of crap.

Now here is where it comes in handy for the kids.

Momma: Not The Baby you are grounded!

Not The Baby: no comment


Next day:

Not The Baby: Hey Momma can you take me to the basketball game?

Momma: What time?

I actually get her there and drop her off and then go.......

Momma: What the crap.......she just pulled a fast one on me!

Or Papa waits until I get back and says something like

Papa: I thought she was grounded?

Momma: Don't you know I forget ........damn tell me sooner what it is I told these kids!



I would like to think that this type of behavior is normal.

That Mommas around the world are forgetting what they say or do.

I mean really it is the children's fault that I am losing my mind.

Well that and Papas.

Maybe I should try some herbal remedy.

Drugs scare me so I think that I could not bring myself to ask the doctor for help.

Plus who wants to pay the doctor to tell you there is nothing wrong with you, or better yet my luck would be:

Doctor: Oh dear honey you should have gotten to me sooner.....you head is due to explode within the next two weeks and you will be a goner.


The doctor.....that is whole other blog about that fear!!!!!!!!

I swear I am getting worse by the day.

So help me...... make me feel better about myself.......hell lie to me if you have to.

Just let me know that I am not the only fool out there that would loose her head if it was not attached.

Happy Hang On To Your Head Tuesday!

It Was All About The Brat Baby

That's right my Brat Baby just hit the big 17!



I would love to say that she had a great birthday with lots of smiles and joyfulness all around her but she pretty much lived up to her name!



Even though everyone in the house tried to pull out of her why she was not so happy on her day she refused to say why!



I did however get her to smile a moment for this beautiful shot.





Oh the life of a teenage drama queen!

One day she will grow up and hopefully see that life was not near as drama filled as she once thought it was.

I love you Brat Baby!

Never Enough!

Time that is!

There has been so many little stories that I want to share with you and yet with Azazel's birthday and Brat Baby having a birthday next week and well the holiday of sweethearts upon us, I simply can not get enough time in the day!

Ok so I am stretching it a little using Valentines day as an excuse seeing that Papa does not have a sweet loving bone in his body to think of his one and only woman for the last 21 years!

That is why I along with many other woman in this world will be out buying her own Valentine gift!

What should I buy myself this year?


So I promise to post this weekend for I am longing to write but right now I still have to finish my valentine cards to my kids in class.

Happy Friday and I hope your loved one remembers you on the big V-Day!

What Does The Hog Say?

What day is it?

You got it Ground Hog Day!

I woke Baby Girl at 6:30 to watch Phil come out of his stump and see if he was to see his shadow.


Well in case you have not heard.

Here is what Phil saw:


Phil was happy for his Steelers and unfortunately saw his shadow!

Sorry my dear friends but that means 6 more weeks of winter!


Happy Ground Hog Day!

Freaky Friday!

This morning I woke up an hour later than I should have and to the fact that I had been having a really weird dream for sometime.

In this dream I let Not The Baby go to New York with several other of her 14 year old friends and not one parent along for the ride.

Why on earth would I do that?

So I always try to figure out why I am having some weird dream.

Maybe it is because Brat Baby says that when she turns 18 she is going to New York with friends?

Is it because Not The Baby has the power to talk me and her father into almost anything?

Is it because I watched American Idol last night and they were in New York?

Is is because Not The Baby told me she was wanted to go the mall by herself and meet up with some friends?

Well what ever it may be I just know that not one of my babies is going anywhere by their selves any time soon.

Why they ask?

Because I had a bad dream by golly, that's why!

Happy Hope You Had A Better Dream Then Me Friday!

And We Think They Are Not Listening

On January 20 Baby Girl woke up all excited about the inauguration of our new president.









So much that she made this poster:










Well the next day when she woke up she was listening to the news channel that I had on tv.



On the news was talk about Sen Kennedy and what happened to him at President Obama's Luncheon. How he had a seizure while he was there and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital.



Baby Girl yelled at me to come to her.



Baby Girl: Momma, you know that man that did this (she starts shaking her body) at Obama's lunch?



Momma: You mean Sen. Kennedy who had a seizure?



Baby Girl: Yes Momma, that guy.



Momma: Well yes



Baby Girl: They found out what caused it.



Momma: Really what?



Baby Girl: It was the tea at the luncheon.



Momma: What?



Baby Girl: The tea!



Momma: Oh you mean FATIGUE!



Baby Girl: Something like that, yes that!



Momma: Baby Girl have I told you how much I love you?



Baby Girl: Yes Momma





Just when we think they are not listening, trust me they are!



Happy back to school and back to reality